Beer, women and politics

In my life, I am continually amazed at how judgmental my people can be.

Take a couple of weekends ago during St. Patrick Day. After maintaining my 5-hour workweek, I decided that I needed a day to relax all day long.

The day started waking up at 2 p.m, I grabbed my fo-tay ounce and headed to the frat house for some male bonding time with the boys by watching the basketball tournament.

When I get to the house, what do I see in the middle of the room? A keg of Bud Light.

Now, I should point out that I've followed the rules more often than not this semester. I've stayed below my 12 beers a night limit and always remembered to throw up in the toilet. So with the tourney on, I decided it was time for the brew to flow with no limit.

Some brothers weren't too thrilled with my amount of alcohol consumption. Or maybe they were upset with my cursing and furniture tossing routine every time the refs screwed Mizzou. But hey, what are party poopers for.

As I was watching the game, I thought that I had a basketball game to go to. Damn it, I was supposed to be up at school to be the team mascot, the Riverman.

I informed a brother who drove me to the game at warp speed. He got a ticket because of this, and while I encouraged him to go fast, I wasn't the one driving the car, so I don't pay. Sweet!

I got to the game in an inebriated state, and put on my gear. There was one problem, the only piece of the outfit I had was the head. The game started in a few minutes, and I had to have a costume to get the crowd of 100 fired up. I then had a brilliant idea.

I came onto the court with my Riverman head and my birthday suit. I figured everyone would stand up and cheer at the sight of a naked Riverman.

Unfortunately, I was the only one at attention. Most people just stood there silently with their mouths open. The only people who seemed to enjoy the sight were the frat boys who also made the journey out to the game.

Police immediately arrested me on some law called "indecent exposure."

The police took me to jail, and I had to be bailed out by my less than amused girlfriend, who told me where I could stick our relationship.

To help pacify my girlfriend for my actions, this is written for her.

Dear Future Mrs. Lil' Bitch,

I wish to apologize for my actions on March 17. I can only give one explanation for my actions is that hey, boys will be boys. If it makes your feel better, I will really try to never appear naked in public again. Please be sure to understand that this is not a promise, and I reserve the right to do it again. So let's forget that this happened, and just goes on being the perfect couple in the perfect relationship.