Riverman from broken home

The gruff, grim frown on his unshaven mug of a face tells it all; this man's had a tough life. Every aspect of his life, from his birth (believed to be in 1965) and his parents (either former DUMSL undergraduate Bull Burnt or a consortium of DUMSL faculty and students in a committee meeting gone horribly wrong) to his current whereabouts (he hasn't been seen in public since 1972, although a photo of the man hangs in the office of student diversions) are all a quagmire of complexity.

"He's my boy, see...who else would have this odor, but my lineage?" Burnt said. "Who else would want to claim the little bastard?"

Burnt claims that Riverman came to life in the offices of the Muzzled News (now The Stagnant) in the fall of 1965, after a long night of what he called "experimenting."

"I was sitting in the office scribbling visions on a cocktail napkin, and then it hit me...I haven't showered in days, so why don't I take a dip in the river?" Burnt said. "An old sailor had to drag my bony butt out of the water. He didn't look to happy, said something about being alone. Naturally, I felt sorry for him, so I adopted him and brought him back to school with me."

Burnt did just that, and almost immediately Riverman became a cultural icon on campus.

"There was this giant smelly man running around campus," My O'Really said, a DUMSL student at the time. "Oh...you're talking about Riverman. Sorry, he was a great guy. Really into basketball and such; very athletic."

Riverman quickly became a mainstay at all DUMSL basketball games; perhaps his greatest moment was when he punched out the Muzzled University Pussy right in the cajoles.

According to Burnt, the very next day Riverman was enshrined in the DUMSL Sports Department, and it wasn't long before the school began to use his likeness on all of its equipment.

"That right hook was the birth of our Riverman and our tradition," Burnt said. "I was so proud of my boy that I instantly tried to get him under contract."

However, before he could bring up the idea to the University, Burnt transferred schools, heading across the river to Silly Illini University at Edward's Ville.

"I loved DUMSL, but they did not offer my major, 'experimental pharmaceutical cultivation,'" Burnt said. "SIUE was the leader in the field at that time, so I left."

The Riverman, however, was left behind. He had become such a cultural icon that he was the guest of honor at many games, including the 1973 No Career Advancement Assistance regional basketball tournament, held at DUMSL. The Rivermen, as the DUMSL basketball team had become to be called, played well but eventually lost in the NCAA tournament. After that loss, the Riverman was never heard from again.

"After that loss, people just didn't much care for me anymore," Riverman said. "So, I just drifted from classroom to classroom, and eventually dropped out of DUMSL."

His name, however, remained a DUMSL tradition. Jerseys, sweaters, t-shirts, hats, buildings, diapers, suppositories, prosthetic legs and even the Arch began bearing "DUMSL Rivermen" logos and insignias. By the mid '80s, all traces of The Riverman were gone, but his name was still alive.

It wasn't until 1995 that Burnt came back to re-visit his old school and saw his son's name again.

"I hadn't seen my boy in 30 years, and all of the sudden his name's everywhere; it was a shock," said Burnt.

Memories of his college years, which had been blocked for years, came rushing back. Unfortunately, Burnt was the lone person to recall the glory days of The Riverman, as DUMSL basketball had not won a game in over 28 years, and Riverman Hall (which had been renamed Enigma Arena in 1974-portraying what DUMSL athletics had become) hasn't seen a warm body since 1984, when a lost DUMSL student mistook it for a bathroom.

"I asked people about my boy, showed them pictures of him; I got nothing but blank stares," Burnt said. "I couldn't believe that he had already been forgotten. I mean, it was only 30 years."

Boob Simple, director of misinformation for DUMSL, was one of the people that Burnt contacted. Simple, who is in charge of all DUMSL communications, had never seen the logo.

"Burnt is a cranky, crazy old man who is simply insufferable," Simple said. "Even though he showed me a photo of the Riverman in the basketball gym, I don't believe him."

Simple claims that, since DUMSL has no tradition, Burnt is wrong. Simple, along with many other campus administrators, agrees with DUMSL Athletic Director Pet Dueling, who stated, "The Riverman is a moron. What the hell is a Riverman anyway? And a Riverwomen!?! Sounds like a cheap, two-dollar whore to me."

Simple has instead used an image of the Arch over a bed of pasta noodles on all DUMSL letterhead. He says that the Arch signifies DUMSL's ties with the city, while the noodles are representative of the school's, as well as the city's, strong affection for Italian food.

"I just can't get enough toasted ravioli," Simple said.

In the backdrop of all this fussing and feuding, Riverman remained a tortured soul; a mascot with no team. Eventually, Burnt and Simple settled the dispute over a plate of pasta primavera; Burnt could keep the photo and the Riverman, and Simple would pay the bill for dinner. A fine end to a dispute that spanned three decades.

The new proposed campus mascot? A 1982 Ford Pinto, signifying resilience, value and quality of education.