Mafia offers new student loan program

Starting for the Fall 2002 semester, Antony 'Juice' Georges, director of Financial Aid, will offer special loans for students in need. 'Juice' has arranged a program with his family that should entice even the richest DUMSL student.

"Basically, it's a no-collateral loan from a good friend," Georges said. "The plan is open to all students, and they can borrow as much as they feel they need."

Georges, whose office is located behind the Sigma Pie fraternity house, is very enthusiastic about the new deal. Already, DUMSL students have been visiting his office nightly.

"I get to the warehouse around midnight, and there's all of these poor kids who'll do anything for a buck," Georges said. "It's kept my hands clean, and I've almost caught up on my list. It's great."

Georges gives the students two options for repayment. The first involves a work-study program that involves such skills as mechanics, marksmanship, litigation, debate and even a bit of psychology.

"I put the kids to work with my business," Georges said. "A lot of the students like this kind of work because I don't want no resume or reference, just a warm body. Also, I pay in cash, which is great for tax purposes-both theirs and mine."

The other option is a simple-interest loan. With this loan, Georges interviews the candidates, and after talking with his family, offers them a loan. These loans can be expensive, however, and many students have opted for the work-study program.

"Sure, we don't want to exclude the lazy kids," Georges said. "We'll give them as much as they ask for, but they had better stick to the payment plan. I really hate bothering people for repayment."

When asked about the interest rate, Georges declined to answer, but added, "Let's just say that I strongly recommend that students work for the family. Like I said earlier, I really hate to come after people for repayment."

Georges also mentioned, "The juice starts flowing as soon as I hand them the cash, and if I see them doing anything else but going to school and they owe me anything, I'll have to tell the family. They won't like that."

When asked to clarify, Georges simply said, "Have you ever tried to dissect a rat without opposable thumbs?"

The program has been considered a stroke of genius by both T. Redundant Conner, the Stupid Generic Acronym president, and Brand Newbill, DUMSL chancellor.

"This new program by 'Juice' will help our students remain in school for many, many years," Bill said as she was stuffing what appeared to be several rolls of ones into the glove compartment of her Rolls-Royce. "Also, our students have another way to become more active in the community. It's a great way for them to become more connected to our alumni."

"Is it noon already?" Conner said. "Man, I've been asleep for 68 hours, what happened? And who are you?"