UM System boss is devil in disguise

"Checko came on campus last week to announce the 700 percent tuition increases, and my office suddenly turned cold," said Kent. "The waters ran red with blood, and many of my peers began to weep."

Kent is not the first person in the DUMSL community to get this same feeling when being around the President, who at often times seems to be sweating profusely, especially during debates with DUMSL Chancellor Brand Newbill.

At their last discussion, a dinner meeting between the four campus's chancellors, Checko and Newbill got into a heated (no pun intended) debate over the last dinner roll. Checko's face became almost crimson as he belched brimstone in Newbill's face.

"I tried to explain to Checko that DUMSL is a growing campus and needs proper nutrition, but he just wouldn't listen," said Newbill.

In an informal discussion with Lawless Barton, the voice of the DUMSL faculty and staff, Checko became so furious that he turned Barton into a cat - a tiger actually - and threw him into Butt Lake.

"Meweoo...Checko is no ordinary man...orree...grr," said Barton, still not completely over the effects of his transformation. "That man...MEeowe...is pure evil."

Down Onthefarm, director of Charredwell's Catering, found Checko's choice of dining rather strange. The UM System held its 10-year meeting at DUMSL this last week.

"For some reason Checko demanded that we feed him the souls of recent DUMSL graduates," Onthefarm said. "I really didn't know how to prepare that dish...our certified professional chefs had never received such a request before."

Ron Hedgehog, director of heating and cooling for the Milked Students for Cash building, found Checko's climate choice for the meeting room strange. According to Hedgehog, Checko requested that the thermometer be turned up "hotter than hell."

"After he said that, he turned into a bat and bit one of the janitors noses off," Hedgehog said. "Second nose incident this month.

Jo Mamma, director of misinformation for the UM System, refutes these claims, saying that, "my master is the warmest person that you will ever meet. Some would say that he's even on the hot side."

"Claims that Checko is really the devil have begun surfacing every since that day when his face appeared in a pool of molten lava in the Ultra Male Rock campus," Mamma said.

Mamma is referring to an incident in a UMR geology class in where the president's face appeared in a newly-discovered lava pool below the Earth's surface.

"We stared at it for a minute...it took us a while to make out the image from our vantage point," Sly D. Rule, shiny rocks major, said. "Then it started chanting about an early retirement program to our professor and we ran. Professor Frink just stood there mesmerized. We never did hear from him again."

Many also think that his insistence that a Temple of the Damned be constructed to replace the Muzzled University basketball area is also a dark premonition, but most MU students are too frightened to mention anything, including those involved in MU journalism.

"All hail Checko and his wickedness," said Putrick Terrapin, momo-in-chief of The Man-Slayer, MU's student newspaper. "May we only live to serve his darkness...my Dark Prince."

Regardless of the public debate, Kent insists that Checko really is Satan.

"Look, I've been a man of the cloth for many years, and I've never once crapped myself in fear," said Kent. "That man is the very embodiment of all that is evil, and he needs to be exorcised of his possessor."

Checko, who according to Mamma was on vacation in the Deep South, could not be reached for comment.