Curators OK 700% fee increase

Increase is smallest in DUMSL history

by Li'l Bitch
Momo-in-Chief

An UM System official ballot. This one, cast by curator Tom Stealfromthekids, was in favor of the 700 percent fee increase.

At the most recent UM System Bored Curators meeting, held last week in the Milk Students for Cash building at DUMSL, one of the 742 items on the budget, an increase in student fees system-wide, passed after about 12 seconds of discussion.

Tom Stealfromthekids, the chair of the Bored Curators, cited a "complete lack of compassion and an empty stomach" for the swift legislation, the quickest in Bored history.

"You know, I just really don't care all that much about student fees,"Stealfromthekids said. "It's not like I'm paying the extra cost or anything."

UM President Manual Checko, in a prepared speech, said that, "all shall bow before my dark might and power. Let the underworld once again reign supreme."

The comments, which many took as off-color and even amusing, were largely ignored, mainly due to the climate of the room.

"Some jackass had the thermostat cranked up just a little too high," Stealfromthekids said. "It was hotter than hell in there."

Editor's Note: see page 12 for details regarding the room temperature and Checko's remarks, you stupid ignoramus!

The increase was part of the agenda due to an earlier announcement my Misery King Bobby Holdthefunds, who had announced that his legislature was completely doing away with higher education.

"Our research has shown that a Misery public college hasn't won a national college championship in any sport in a very long time," said Holdthefunds. "We feel that if we put more money into the high school football programs, maybe the Rams and Chiefs will make it back to the Super Bowl."

This announcement prompted Misery public universities and colleges into a state of emergency, cutting budgets and firing staff members across the state. In fact, only three colleges of the original 14 state schools remain: Muzzled University, Ultra Man Rocks College and DUMSL. MU and UMR are also affected by the 700 percent increase. Upper Missionary for Khatty Cathys, or UMKC, was burned to the ground for "insurance reasons," according to Checko.

Students have been anticipating the fee increase for some time, and many have been stashing back money here and there. One group in particular, the Worker Ants Society, has been saving the pennies and dimes found in the MSC in order to soften the blow to their pocketbooks next fall. To date, the group has collected over $3 million dollars in loose change.

"We've been scurrying across campus for days on end digging up loose change and such, and it's really payed off," said one member of the group.

Other student groups, such as the Happy Grasshoppers Organization, are not-so prepared for the increase.

"Man, we've been having so much fun this semester with Wrecked Sports that we just forget to put money back," said June Frost, the group's president. "Besides, isn't there a new student loan program?"

To help students cope with their new bills, the Bored made a point to show that the increase "is only an additional $93,666 per credit hour, or $1.4 million extra for a 15-hour courseload."

"Not to trivialize the increase, but it amounts to about $117,000 extra that a student would have to raise per month," said Stealfromthekids.

The increase will go into effect four months ago.