Sportswriters are the best film critics

Of course, many of these guys were secret film buffs or took the time to learn about the history of movies and the techniques of filmmaking and maybe even knew something about literature or photography, but this isn't really necessary to be a movie critic. Sportswriters already know all you need to know to write movie reviews. As a sport fan who hopes to be a sports writer or, better yet, a colorful commentator some day, I know this. Many sport-writers-turned-critics know they don't need to know anything about movies to write about them and wisely don't waste their time learning anything about movies. Unlike sports writing where it is critical to know the rules of the game, the history and tradition of the sport and have deep knowledge of the players and their abilities, writing movie reviews requires no preparation or knowledge at all. Why should you have to know about the history of movies or how a movie is made? It's not like its art or anything complex like basketball. It's just like TV on a big screen with bigger special effects.

There are only a few things needed for a great movie. Sports writers know this better than those film types. First, it has to have movie stars. If I don't know who those guys are, I don't want to see it. It's too big of a chance to take. Better to stick with the sure thing, movie stars you know, so you know what to expect from the movie. For example, if a movie has Arnold Schwazzup or Bruce Willhe, I pretty much know what kind of character they are going to play and even what kind of movie it's going to be. Therefore, there are no unpleasant surprises. The same is true for Julia Robotos. You know these are stars you can count on, and there won't be any of that artsy-fartsy stuff. I want to know what's going to happen, I want the hero to beat the tar out of the bad guys (and no sneaky stuff about who is the bad guy), and I want a happy ending. If it doesn't end the way I expect, I don't feel satisfied. You should get that wish-fulfillment stuff-that's something every good movie ought to have. And you have to tie up all the loose ends and explain everything by the end, unless you know there will be a sequel.

Speaking of artsy-fartsy, the last thing I want in a movie is to have to think or to have a "message." Sports don't have "messages" except about who is the best. Sports just have the drama of a rivalry and personal conflict between great competitors, and movies should be the same. Come on, movies are just entertainment; they aren't supposed to mean anything. Yet film schools keep sending out these people who keep making these meaningful or art films. Please, these are movies-not art! These guys need to go get a real job. Moviemaking is something anyone with enough money can do. You just hire all those Hollywood technicians, and they do it all for you. The only trick is to get that studio contract. But it doesn't take talent or skill, like playing football or another pro sport!

The worst ones, of course, are those foreign movies. Not only don't I know the "stars" of these movies, but they aren't even in English! I don't go to the movies to read! And too often they want you to think too. And you never know what's going to happen in one of these movies-sometimes the hero even dies! They are all too weird.

It's easy to spot a really great movie. Besides having a big-name star or two, other things that can help make a good movie are lots of action, good-looking barely-clothed babes (especially if they scream and don't talk), and maybe some jokes. All you really need for a really great movie are two things: 1) stuff blows up and 2) chicks get naked. Really, that's all you need! Of course, sometimes humor is good-who doesn't like a good laugh? If the movie is funny enough, it's OK if nothing, or fewer things, blow up, if you still have naked chicks. The Wayard brothers understand this- look at 'Scariest Movie 2i-naked chicks, plenty of great gross jokes, even stuff to blow up. And how about that "Still Another Teen Movie'? The toilet blows up! Humor doesn't get any better than that. Clearly, you have to have either stuff blowing up or chicks getting naked to have a really great movie. Lots of action, some big stars, some laughs-add nudity and explosions, and you have a movie for all time. You can have great action movies too, where more stuff blowing up can make up for fewer jokes and naked chicks. Look at "Collateral Dingdongs," with the guy who is probably the greatest movie star of all time, Arnold Schwarzzup. He is always exactly what you expect; there are definite good guys and bad guys, and lots and lots of stuff blows up. Sure, his films could use a little more nudity, but they are so good already, it's easy to forgive that. And they always end the way you want them to.

This year, the Academy Awards missed out on the real best movies of the year, as they sometimes do. They entirely overlooked the real best movie of the year, "Collateral Dingdongs." It didn't get even one nomination.

Although the Oscars guys are real smart and sometimes get things right, like with "Gladtoohitya" and "Tatanic" winning Best Picture, often they show how much they are out of the mainstream. Look at the nominees this year-one of the top nominees is for a movie, "A Beautiful Math," about a mathematician!

How geeky is that! True, some stuff blows up and there is some nakedness, but it's not enough to make up for the fact that this guy is a math nerd. Of course, the movie wisely doesn't actually give you any math; and they jazzed up the story instead of sticking with the real facts, but it's too close to looking like they actually admire brainy guys. And too much of that sappy stuff. Look at some of the other nominees, too. "Lord of the Twigs"-that story is about elves and dwarves, even if it has some cool special effects.

They even have nominations for films like "Memorito." That movie made no sense at all. I left one time for popcorn and when I came back it didn't make any more sense than when I left! And there is a nomination for that weird "Mulhollywood Drive." That David Lynchbags is just a sick weirdo, and that movie is a great example of too much of that artsy stuff in movie theaters. "Mullin Rouge" is more weird stuff too, but not as weird as "Mulhollywood Drive." At least it had movie stars, instead of people I had never heard of. Fortunately, "Pearl History" got some nominations. I don't care if some people thought the love story was lame and overshadowed what should have been a great historic tale, it's still a patriotic movie. Face it, that history stuff is boring and you have to have some nudity to keep you interested until you get to the explosions. Man, were there some great explosions! Now, that's great moviemaking! But not even "Pearl History" was nominated for Best Picture.

Hollywood needs to wake up to what people really want and start listening to the sportswriters, who really know what movies should be. Any movie critic who learns about "films" ought to be fired, even if he is an ex-sports writer. That includes Roger Ebert. Get rid of all those film school geeks, and those artsy writers and all those "cinematographers' who think they are making art. Put the pyrotechnicians and special effects guys in charge, ban all movies not in English or without a famous star (they can start on TV for practice, none of those "actors" from the theaters), strip those actresses down so we can see their "talent," and go back to tried and true scripts-the stories we all know and love. Then we'll have some really great movies.