Flat Earthers oppose theory of gravity

"Every scientist knows there are more flaws in the Theory of Gravity than in the Theory of Evolution, yet the Creativitists get all the attention,i asserted spokesperson Mandy Grouchy. "We demand that the Physics Department offer students our "Intelligent Vacuum" Theory, along with the Theory of

Gravity. After all, it's only a theory. Our organization believes that since our holy text does not mention a spherical Earth, it is wrong to assume the Earth is not flat," explained Grouchy. "But we are reasonable, and we developed a scientific-looking response. We know that space is a vacuum, and so the the other side of our flat Earth is a vacuum. This means that it is the suction created by that vacuum on that holds objects onto the Earth, not some anti-spiritual force called egravity.i This fact is clearly supported by our holy text. We are further supported our theory by finding flaws in the accepted but mistaken "Theory of Gravity." And we found plenty of problems with this theory, enough so we feel that students should be given a different view to explain the fact that things fall down."

Representatives of other spiritual organizations that use the same text say they are perplexed by the Flat Earth Coalition's interpretation. The Rev. George Mainstream, a professor of spiritual studies, explained the difference by saying, "This is what can happen when some groups use a literal interpretation of writings with a spiritual meaning and which have been translated through many languages over long periods of time. I feel that it's a misinterpretation of the real meaning, but of course they are entitled to their own beliefs."

Associate Professor Leon Calculator concurred, adding, "I'm perplexed. They are entitled to their beliefs, but we are teaching science. If we start teaching other spiritual ideas about the nature of the physical world, where will it end? Do we have to give equal time to groups that believe the Earth rests on the back of a giant turtle? They are entitled to their beliefs too. Really, I think this is a better topic for a comparative religions course." Calculator continued, "Besides, we have scientific data to support the Theory of Gravity. Even if we haven't figured out everything about how gravity works, the fact still remains that every physical scientist believes gravity is a real force. It's a central fact of physics."

Spokesperson Grouchy was quick to respond to Professor Calculator's remarks. "The professor admits it-they "believe" in their theory of "gravity." Our teachings are different; we know the Earth sucks because our holy text says so. Every time we find another problem in their theory, it supports that fact that they are wrong and we are right. There is no other way to explain it."

The students of the Flat Earth vowed to continue picketing the Physics Department until they get equal time in physics classes. "We can't continue to let these courses be taught by non-believers. Until every flaw in the Theory of Gravity has been resolved, it's still just a theory. We demand the right to offer a more spiritual alternative to students."