Sports Shorts!

Effective immediately, the DUMSL athletic department has set up a requirement stating that all cheerleaders have to be female. This announcement comes as no surprise to a rather unattractive and manlike DUMSL cheerleader Nicolletta Bowoman, who feels the new requirement has been sorely needed.

"I feel that men have absolutely no right to participate in this area of sports," Bowoman said, with a furrow in her hairy brow. "I mean, come on. The guys who supposedly want to participate in cheerleading are only after us women."

* Dueling welcomes St. Louis Cardinals to DUMSL

DUMSL Athletic Director Pet Dueling said that she supports the idea of the St. Louis Cardinals, who were searching for a new place to play, moving to the DUMSL campus. This comes under the condition that they play in the Fine Arts Building.

* Editor's note - Stagnant looks to expand coverage beyond DUMSL teams

The Stagnant Sports Department will be expanding it's coverage area to include all local, national and worldwide sports and sports at other local colleges - especially St. Louis Luniversity, Wash You and Dumpster University- excluding only coverage of DUMSL athletics.

This move may take some readers aback, those who care about sports that are actually played on their campus, but who cares about DUMSL sports anyway?

For more on DUMSL sports, look far and wide, not here.