Team scores a new set of balls

by Li'l Bitch
Momo-in-Chief

Uh oh, time to write another little letter... er, column!

With the DUMSL baseball team's recent success, a defeat over the Missouri School for the Blind, DUMSL athletic director Pet Dueling has increased the team's purchasing budget by 300 percent.

"After that win, one of the pitchers from the other team left his wallet," Deuling said. "DUMSL follows the traditional 'Finders, Keepers' rule-a rule recently passed by the No Career Advancement Assistance at their last budget meeting-so we deposited the money into my account."

Deuling kept a cut for "administrative expenses," and the rest was donated to the baseball team.

"Man, I'll tell you, $74 is a lot of cash these days," head coach Gym Brooding said. "We haven't had that much money in the baseball team since that bank truck overturned on I-70 back in '89."

Brooding and his staff held an emergency meeting to discuss how to use the money at Whaler's Bar, and after a few Midori Melons, decided that the team needed some balls.

"(Assistant coach Derin Spunk) was complaining that the current baseballs were really just clods of shredded paper that had been stuck in used biology cadavers," Brooding said. "Why, that's better than what we've had in the past."

After examining their old balls, which had become soggy and droopy from years of abuse, Brooding and Spunk decided to make the purchase.

"We've had these balls for about nine years," Brooding said, "and they were really beginning to stink. I mean, you could hardly get a grip on one without it becoming all deformed and soft."

Brooding handed his balls to Spunk, and he agreed.

"Coach, these balls have spots on them," Spunk said. "I don't think that they're regulation. Also, I think that the one on the left is a little bigger, but maybe it's just the angle."

Brooding inspected his balls again, and concurred.

"Yeah, that one on the left is more like a softball," Brooding said.

After the conversation, the two decided to toss the old balls off, and invest in a new sack.

"It was hard to let go of those balls, they've been with us through so much," Spunk said. "I mean, they've taken a beating, but they held up well."

The new sack of balls arrived at the DUMSL clubhouse shortly after, and Brooding and Spunk immediately got a hold of them.

"Wow!," Brooding said, "These new balls really make a difference. They're so much more solid, and shiny too."

Spunk added, "These new balls have much more bounce to them; very nice."

Shortly after this, Brooding and Spunk ran off to knock around the balls with another new purchase, a wooden bat.

"Sorry, we have to go now," Brooding said. "Spunk and I have to test out this new shaft."