Grumpy old men ravage through DUMSL campus

It all started at 9 a.m. when Winthrop J. Twinklesman, Max Schmelnick, Vernon McCallister III and Joe Crudlesbury escaped from a maximum-security nursing home in Chesterfield. Their weapons of choice: old golf clubs.

"Those guys have been friends for a long time, something like 60 years. They were all avid golfers, and I think they were members at the Old Bellerieve Country Club," a nurse at the St. Morton's home for the Old, Senile and Filthy Rich Betsy Noodle said.

Armed with vintage golf attire, these vintage fugitives fled in Schmelsnick's 1938 Dusenburg. Their destination? DUMSL. Sporting golf clubs from the Harding administration, these four confused golfers came to the University bent on playing on their old course-no matter who or what got in their way.

By noon, the unseemly golf match was about to begin. They arrived on campus and were dumbfounded that there were buildings on their golf course. Despite their surprise at seeing what had became of their old haven, they decided to play a leisurely match.

"This is the biggest single travesty in my life since my last heart attack," McCallister said.

"Why would they tear down the gorgeous golf course that my old man's best friend built and put a lousy university on it? I can't fathom it. Damn, son, do you have any idea how great this golf course used to be? I tell you, it was sure more fun than this snooty academic stuff," Crudlesbury said.

The match started when Twinklesman pulled out his mashie (its an old-timers' term for a driver, or a wood) and proceeded to tee off facing Woods Hall. True to his 70 years of golf experience, Twinklesman hit his ball straight into Chancellor Brand Nu Bill's office, knocking out her Director of Just Plain Lies, Cob Rambles. When asked about her condition, the administration said that all was well, nothing happened and that there wasn't even a broken window.

Twinklesman, who has collected golf clubs and balls for 65 years, decided that it was time to see just how good his old "Feathery" golf ball was. After he hit it, the ball blew up because it was so old. Twinklesman became infuriated and started to chase a goose around the Quad.

"Well, (pant, pant) I had to get some more feathers for my ball, son. What did you think I was doing, trying to give it a hickey?" Twinklesman said.

For over three hours, the "Fogey Four" hit shots all around campus. They gave new meaning to the golf term "play through," because they played through everything-buildings, cars, people's heads; it didn't matter, because it was all fair game to them.

A particularly devastating incident occurred when Crudlesbury got mad inside the Millennium Falcon Pleasure Dome and threw all of his golf clubs through the windows.

The rest of the men followed the lead and started breaking various items.

The Milk Students For Cash Building is trashed, 40 cars are destroyed, 23 students are injured and the Stagnant's Snooze Editor is missing and feared alive. In the wake of this tragedy, where was campus security?

"Uhhhhhhhhh, well kid, I was out writing parking tickets for cars that have parking passes," Officer Melvin Dingo said.

When the administration was asked about if the whole event even occurred, they wholly denied it. When asked why the school was trashed, they said that it was part of new renovation project that was ahead of schedule. On a separate note, "Student Fees" will be hiked 969 percent to pay for these new "renovations".

The "Fogey Four" were never apprehended, but at least 16 jurisdictions in a three-mile stretch of Unnatural Bridge Road said that they would try to capture the suspects. Unfortunately, it just resulted in a reenactment of the "Keystone Kops." The Fogey Four are still at large. The police want to warn students to watch out for them at local golf courses. They are thought to be armed and extremely dangerous.