DUMSL knights Knight

by Dick Burner
Sportsguy Extraordinaire

The longitudinal fissure, above, contains axons which help the hemispheres of Knight's brain two-way their crazy messages.

In what she called "an attempt to revitalize a struggling department," DUMSL Chancellor Brand Newbill made an unprecedented and unexpected move on March 18. Newbill named former Indiana Hoosiers basketball Head Coach Bobby Knight as Rivermen head coach and athletic director. The move came with protest, as picketers stood outside the Mark Twain Recreation Center, which houses the athletic department headquarters.

Despite the protests, Newbill feels that the move will be the first of many that will attract more students and visitors to the campus.

"I think everyone deserves a slap in the face once in a while," Newbill said. "And, who better to metaphorically slap some sense into the basketball squad and the athletic department than Bobby Knight. He is a slaphappy guy and puts fear into the hearts of his players, coaches and colleagues. This will be great and will bring a kind of World Wrestling Federation appeal to all of our sports."

Knight was recently released from his duties at Indiana after a series of incidents of misconduct were put under review by the university. He is known mainly for his skill of throwing chairs and other blunt objects at game officials, players and opponents, without immediately losing his job or igniting a full-scale brawl. And, as Newbill mentioned, one of Knight's disciplinary tools is the slap.

With that in mind, Knight is ready to step up and help the University bring a sideshow appeal to the University's basketball program and all sports programs. He hopes to reorganize and energize a tiring program.

"When I finally slapped every player, coach and game official at Texas Tech this past season, I searched for a new place to go," Knight said. "I wanted to see how many more people I could abuse mentally and physically and one place came to mind-DUMSL. So, I picked up my little black book and saw Bill's number. Two and three is eight, and I'm the new Rivermen basketball general and the athletic war department director. I can't wait to see how scared I can make a team, without the team losing; and this is the perfect place."

While Knight may not be a mathematical genius, he does have somewhat of an idea of what his duties are as the basketball team's skipper and as head of the athletic department of a Division II basketball team.

"It's war, plain and simple," Knight said. "I think that I made my name by being the most strategically-inclined general in Division I of the NCAA. My teams were machines and I think that, come next winter, the Rivermen will be rolling right down the river of success to a Division I National Basketball Championship. I mean, this is Division I, right? I certainly wouldn't have taken the job if it weren't."