SGA appoints goose rep

Lack of bathroom, greens main concerns

by Li'l Bitch
Momo-in-Chief

Newly-appointed Stupid Generic Acronym representative Big Honker speaks at the last SGA meeting. Judging from the faces in the audience, no one cares. Hell, the girl in the second row is too busy digging for gold anyway. Geez, DUMSL students don't get out much, eh?

For DUMSL's Canada goose population, the appointment of a Stupid Generic Acronym representative gives a new voice to a very old and very large constituency of the DUMSL community.

"This is a great move in the unification of the DUMSL campus," T. Redundant Conner said, the current SGA president. "Now, leave me alone, I'm on the fourth level of Mario and do not want to be disturbed."

Big Honker was installed at the last SGA meeting, held at Whaler's Bar last week. The meeting was called to order by San Atarium, and Honker was installed as the official representative for Butt Lake, as well as the interim speaker for the College of Weird Science, as that representative has not been to a meeting since 1968.

In his opening remarks and acceptance speech, Honker reviewed his agenda and urged all students to understand his viewpoint.

"sQuallllkkkk..sqeeky sqeek," Honker said. "Gobbllee gokk ooggg SQAULL."

The top item on Honker's agenda was the extreme lack of fowl-friendly bathrooms, leading to an over-abundance of poop throughout the campus.

"Bllaapbbe ploop squallkeey squeaky squakin," Honker said. "Wakker Wakkeerrrouuuuuu aquallsual."

This brought cheers from the 9 SGA members in attendance at the meeting. Honker also spoke on the lack of grass and other greenery for the over 19 million Canada geese on the DUMSL campus. Due to the lack of ponds and other greens on the campus, the geese are held to a small patch of grass around Butt Lake.

"Rakkklleee suqakk sqaaaakkk," Honker said. "Squak waker wakk WAKKk."

Conner, who was preoccupied by a fire battle with Bowser, responded to this, saying that "although we respect the fact that the DUMSL waterfowl do need equal access to the campus, there just isn't enough parking spaces at this moment to leave any speck of green on this campus unpaved."

Honker, infuriated by this comment, then fluttered across the SGA chamber and bit Conner's nose off, stating that "QSSSSAAWLLL squaL Quakekeekk!"

Animal Control was called in to detain the bird, but efforts were not successful as Honker laid a large pile of feces, blocking the agents from him.

Shortly after, however, a motion was made by SGA Vice-President Just Fleece to create a nature preserve on the DUMSL campus, and Honker calmed down. Agents then moved in and netted the bird, and the motion was tabled by Conner for 'some other time, I'm tired right now and want to take a nap.'

On a related note, 'The Posh' will be offering Canada Burgers to the first 100 customers. The promotion, sponsored by Charredwell's, is being held to raise money for a new schnoz for Conner. Burgers will cost three platinum pieces.