The Stagnant |April 1, 1999

'Sexy Armpits' provokes controversy

The winning pit
photo by Dot Warner

by Daria

of the Stagnant staff

Campus police made several arrests after a fight broke out during a fraternity rush event on Saturday.

The controversial annual event, known as the "Sexy Armpits" contest, is sponsored by the Pi Inyour Facea fraternity. Fraternity President Biff Boffo defended the integrity of the contest against allegations that it's sexist and horrifically stupid.

"Nuh-uh," Boffo said.

Saturday night's event began calmly enough as contestants were judged in a variety of events, including Shaving, the Sniff Test, and Miss Congeniality. Trouble ensued, however, during the Best Armpit Fart event when a group of protesters stormed into the fraternity house and demanded to be heard.

The protesters, members of a local organization called the Citizens' Revolution for Armpit Protection (CRAP), argued that the contest unfairly discriminates against those who choose to sport long armpit hair. They protested by simply raising their arms in the air and overcoming the participants with fumes.

In an interview following the event, CRAP President Lana Beansprout spoke of the importance of the group's cause.

"If you let it grow long enough, you can make cool little braids out of it. See?" said Beansprout.

Others who weren't members of CRAP, like freshman Gary Goalong, decided to join the protest because they felt it was important for their voices to be heard.

"Dude, I just came because I heard there was free beer. PAAAAARRRRTY! Wooooooo!" Goalong said.

Fraternity members responded to the protesters by beating them senseless. Rush Chairman Chauncy Fauntleroy said the action was necessary to stop the radical extremists. "Damn hippies," Fauntleroy said.

Fraternity member Blake Brownnoser, chairman of security, said he was unaware of the violent outbreak even though he happened to be standing directly in front of it at the time. "I had a beer bong in front of my face," Brownnoser said. "Couldn't see a dang thing around it." Other fraternity members were asked if steps would be taken to prevent such clashes at future Sexy Armpits contests.

"I dunno," said Dirk Diggem, chairman of keg refills. "I can burp Purple Haze by Jimi Hendrix. Wanna hear it?"

Police were called after the fight broke out and arrested the protesters and fraternity members involved. The remaining fraternity members decided to carry on with the event, awarding the Grand Prize to Muffy Mayberry, a freshman in her sixth year at DUMSL. As winner, Mayberry will get a year's supply of Ban Roll-On Deodorant in her choice of Mountain Spring or Fresh as a Daisy Scent.

When asked if the earlier melee had put a damper on her evening, Mayberry responded, "What's a melee?"

Mayberry also said she was thrilled with her win.

"Being named this year's Miss Armpit is an honor I'll remember for as long as I can," Mayberry said.