Controller takes over Assemblyby Davey Booger
of the Stagnant staff
SGA Controller Ren Nash announced at Thursday's Stupid Government meeting that he had overthrown President Tim Bravery and declared martial law eliciting angry responses from the three student groups who bothered to attend.
"I am now in control," Nash told the crowd, "There is nothing to fear - unless of course you oppose me."
Outraged supporters of President-in-Exile Bravery, numbering by some estimates in the high single digits, reportedly arranged for the President to protest the move by standing on a tank outside the SGA offices.
"It wasn't really a tank exactly," said Moorhead Yodeler, a sophomore in Graphic Chemistry. "It was actually my '87 Honda Civic but we mounted a broomstick on the top."
Bravery never showed up at the rally but organizers did attempt to drum up support by playing a recorded message from the president over loudspeakers aquired from the TV club. "I'm not in the office right now, but if you'll leave your name, number and a short message . . ." the recording said.
Yodeler called playing the recording "probably a tactical mistake" but said that they wanted to have the president say something.
"It seemed to sum up his presidency," Yodeler said.
It was unclear whether Bravery was aware of Nash's actions since nobody has seen him for "a couple of weeks," Yodeler said.
"That's not unusual," Yodeler said. "But I'm sure he'll be very upset to learn of his overthrow, next time he drops by the campus."
During his frequent absences, Bravery has reportedly devolved all executive governing authority onto his voice mail.
Reaction elsewhere was mixed. Interviewed at her home, Chancellor Branch Newhill expressed respect for Bravery.
"Tim who?" Newhill said, adding, "How the hell did you get into my house?"
Meanwhile, Nash's troops, mainly music students armed with out-of-tune instruments and nothing better to do, began their takeover of the campus by storming the offices of The Stagnant, while playing Mariah Carey's greatest hits. Tyrant-in-Chief David Booger was reportedly boarding the windows with the help of those staff members who weren't too busy trying to find earplugs or laughing too hard to continue.
"Look out, they have woodwinds!" Booger said. "MY GOD, not another chorus of Dreamlover! PLEASE! WE GIVE UP!!!!!"
Booger said Nash's troops attempted to ransack the office but found it was too messy for anyone to notice.
"They sorta milled around for a few minutes, looked at the place and left," Booger said. Sporadic resistance to the Nash regime was still reported late Friday on the North Campus, as UPB head Karen Mowing deployed her own troops around Lucas Hall.
"What coup?" she said. "I don't know anything about that. I just thought it'd be cool to deploy troops around Lucas Hall."
Though he freely admitted the SGA overthrow was part of his "plan for world domination," Nash said most students probably wouldn't notice the change in leadership. He said the SGA would continue in its important role of sponsoring events nobody goes to and ignoring its own bylaws.
"Today, we take SGA, tomorrow . . . uhh . . . KWMU or something."
Despite overthrow, Bravery unveils plansby Art Mann
of the Stagnant staff
With elections coming up, many students wonder what changes to expect for the Stupid Government in the coming 1999-2000 school year.
The current president, Tim Bravery, is one of the individuals who can reply to this scholarly, advantageous query of utmost import.
"What?" Bravery said.
With Bravery unsure of the exact nature of the upcoming fiscal administrative plans, he did have some idea of what to expect.
"Excuse me?" Bravery said, implying that the SGA will be much more polite to the student body next year, which could mean more student participation in gubernatorial affairs of the SGA and quite possibly free chocolate chip cookies at public student functions.
Bravery said that next year the SGA, hoping to avoid aloofness, plans on getting to know the students of DUMSL better.
"Who are you?" Bravery asked.
According to Bravery, the SGA will also hold public forums for the students, willing to listen to what the students' wishes are concerning what the SGA is doing and how they can accommodate the students.
"What the heck do you want?" Bravery asked.
Bravery seemed very passionate about plans to move SGA out of the office a little more allowing it to come out onto campus, supposedly to get more of a feel for the whole campus while deciding on major student issues.
"Get the [expletive] out of my office!" Bravery said of the new, innovative plan. One major issue that Bravery said the SGA would be concerned with is safety on campus. Crime and how to deal with it have always been on the SGA's mind, but Bravery said the new government would focus on beefing up security to ensure student safety.
"Get out or I'm calling the campus police!" Bravery commented on the possibility. The SGA would also focus on issues for the differently-abled, like providing more sign language translators to DUMSL's deaf students.
"Did you hear me?" asked Bravery.
Even though he wouldn't be president any more, Bravery did say he was interested in asking SGA how he could still help.
"What do I have to do here?" Bravery asked.
Bravery wouldn't confirm it as absolutely true, but he hinted at the fact that the SGA would become more efficient by acquiring more electronic devices, such as tape recorders to cover meetings, to aid in administrative activities.
"Are you taping me?" Bravery asked, "Give me that [expletive] tape recorder. Give me the [expletive] recorder before I bash the [expletive] thing over your [expletive] [expletive] head you son of a [expletive] [expletive] idiot, [expletive]!"
Bravery also hinted at the new SGA's interest in establishing a DUMSL wrestling team, and even demonstrated some of the techniques that the new, championship-hopeful team would employ to try to reach their goals, including headlocks, full-Nelsons, and pinning methods. "Die, you mother [expletive]!" Bravery said of the team's goals.
Although he wouldn't confirm it, he also said there was a possibility of creating a kickboxing team and a karate class, in which both would include lessons on the anatomy of the male reproductive organs.
"You [expletive]!" Bravery said of the enormous possibilities of such programs. Having an urgent matter to discuss with arriving DUMSL police, Bravery had to conclude the interview. Even though he was cut short, Bravery did offer a lot of hope and promise about the SGA for next year.
"I don't ever want to see you again you [expletive] [expletive]!"