This is just a short note to let you know a few things.

When I came back from the last treatment I came to the conclusion that I wanted to stop the chemo. I don’t think it was helping, and at this point I don’t care if it was, because I feel like it was killing me. This was a painful decision.

I have been battling this cancer since 1995. There is relief to say OK, and stop fighting, to give myself permission.

It is weird to not fight any more. Since I don’t like TV, I don’t know what I’m going to do with the time. Especially because I have trouble communicating, I can’t read and I can’t use the computer. My ability to move is very limited.

Our bedroom is downstairs now, so I see the whole family every day when they pass through. Sometimes they may or may not come in. It is a hard balance because I do need to rest – and there is an assumption that if I am lying down, I must be asleep.

Also, I can’t be left alone, and that creates a lot of tension between Abi and me. When the kids have needs – like they need a ride somewhere, or need something from the store. I can’t be left alone, so Abi is not free to give them the ride. I wind up feeling trapped. I feel like I can’t ask for what I want because I see that Abi is already trying to meet all these demands. Then I get frustrated.

Liz and I have been reading a Buddhist book. It has been helpful. Right now these concepts have brought me the most comfort and peace.

I find that what I think I know – I don’t really know. I am often confused. You can tell me something and I won’t remember. I am frustrated by that. I feel powerless. My inability to be understood is very frustrating.

It takes so much energy to write, I don’t know how much I’ll continue to write. I’d like to but I don’t know what I will do.

Thank you for sharing this journey. Thank you for your love. I will ask someone (maybe Abi) to keep you updated.

I don’t know what to say, I thought I would have something pithy to say, but I don’t.

Dan

http://katzstein.com

http://life.katzstein.com