Date sent: Mon, 20 Sep 2004 20:21
Is it time to die?

I am so confused. I have been doing this treatment for 6 weeks and all I see is confusion. I’m very discouraged by the lack of measurable progress. And my hopes are dwindling. This is draining my life force.

I can’t tell if the medicine is just kicking my ass or if I am just tired. But whatever it is, life has become very laborious.

But the most important thing is that I don’t feel the treatment is making a difference. For example, I can’t remember the names of the month or the days of the week in order. And, I need someone to hold me up to walk – anywhere. Often, I get confused, and I feel trapped. I can still listen to books and to music. But my speech is so hard that it is so difficult to communicate.

I spend a lot of time in bed wondering how one chooses to die. Is it my time to die? What a difficult question.

I know a lot of people love me. I am not sure ending the treatments will end my life – I am not sure what will happen. Probably will eventually.

So, here I lay, unable to walk without help pondering and always looking for hope. I’m looking for some guidance from inside.

I have an image … I’m standing on a mountain on a cliff and I don’t know what to do next. My treatment and my life are like that. If I jump, it is a leap of faith to believe that when I die, everything else will be ok, no matter what.

When I wrote last time, people didn’t know how to respond. I would say to them, to respond honestly. This is a hard time. There are no right answers. I love to hear from people, it is lifting for my whole family. This work is draining so I just want to say if you can help, please help.

(Note from Abi: People often ask how they can help. Right now the most helpful thing is to come over for a little while. There will usually be something useful that can be done. Or there could possibly be nothing to do but sit. The loving energy of visitors is an incredible gift. Come to chat, to sit quietly, to walk the dog, to read a book, visit with Dan or with me, or with the kids, come to be present in the moment with us. Please know that we would let you know if the visit needs to be short, or it is not a good time at the moment.)

Dan

http://katzstein.com

http://life.katzstein.com

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