I am so confused. I have been doing
this treatment for 6 weeks and all I see is confusion.
I’m very discouraged by the lack of measurable progress.
And my hopes are dwindling. This is draining my life
force.
I can’t tell if the medicine is just kicking my ass
or if I am just tired. But whatever it is, life has
become very laborious.
But the most important thing is that I don’t feel
the treatment is making a difference. For example,
I can’t remember the names of the month or the days
of the week in order. And, I need someone to hold
me up to walk – anywhere. Often, I get confused, and
I feel trapped. I can still listen to books and to
music. But my speech is so hard that it is so difficult
to communicate.
I spend a lot of time in bed wondering how one chooses
to die. Is it my time to die? What a difficult question.
I know a lot of people love me. I am not sure ending
the treatments will end my life – I am not sure what
will happen. Probably will eventually.
So, here I lay, unable to walk without help pondering
and always looking for hope. I’m looking for some
guidance from inside.
I have an image … I’m standing on a mountain on a
cliff and I don’t know what to do next. My treatment
and my life are like that. If I jump, it is a leap
of faith to believe that when I die, everything else
will be ok, no matter what.
When I wrote last time, people didn’t know how to
respond. I would say to them, to respond honestly.
This is a hard time. There are no right answers. I
love to hear from people, it is lifting for my whole
family. This work is draining so I just want to say
if you can help, please help.
(Note from Abi: People often ask how they can help.
Right now the most helpful thing is to come over for
a little while. There will usually be something useful
that can be done. Or there could possibly be nothing
to do but sit. The loving energy of visitors is an
incredible gift. Come to chat, to sit quietly, to
walk the dog, to read a book, visit with Dan or with
me, or with the kids, come to be present in the moment
with us. Please know that we would let you know if
the visit needs to be short, or it is not a good time
at the moment.)
Dan
http://katzstein.com
http://life.katzstein.com