I gave a lot of thought about whether
I wanted to write this message because it felt like
I am not allowed to write about the process of dying.
Everyone is treating me like a sick person: Am I getting
enough food? Am I doing enough to keep me healthy? Which
seems really silly when what I need is rest so I can
concentrate on my work, which is understanding what’s
going on.
Keeping dry and not spilling urine on myself has
become a big issue. That is how people are trying
to help but actually what I need is space and quiet.
I am trying to work out a way to urinate while I sleep.
I can’t sleep because I keep needing to pee and its
keeping Abi up and she’s not getting any rest. She
said, “How can you possibly need to pee again?” It
is creating tensions but these events are playing
to remind me about things that happened in my life.
I remember that I peed in my PJs when I was little
and I am remembering how that felt. I felt trapped
and it was not okay to ask for help and so I just
had to lay there. My Mom says I did not wet the bed.
I know that I did. When I fell this trapped “wet”
feeling I have “seizure” feeling.
I don’t feel like its okay for me to die and people
in my family want things from me, for example, they
don’t know our systems, like our computer network
at home, so I am going to try to tell them.
My birthday is coming up and a lot of people wanted
to come to see me. I nixed that one because I don’t
care. They can go and have a party; they’re old friends.
The point is I don’t care. What is loving is to give
me space and to know that if I have a need someone
will be there. That will be respecting my needs. What
I want is for people to come and just be on the bed
with me, hug me and don’t have any expectations of
me, to leave when I want them to.
There is an issue about publishing this work. I am
very glad that my journal will be published, but I’m
not interested in the politics about how it gets published.
What I love about this journey is that it’s bringing
a lot of loose ends of my life together in my mind
and I’ve found I’m waiting for the next thing and
I’m excited about it. I’m not scared. I talked to
Rabbi David from Cincinnati. He is the one I talked
to before. I talked to him last week and he said he
would be there to help when I died. He had done that
for many people.
Everyone wants me to be able to talk with them. There
are some times that I want to talk but most of the
time, all I want is silence. The gift that people
can give me at this point is silence. I like to have
some company, but I don’t want them to talk.
I also want people to understand that I am not sick
so stop worrying about what I eat. I am still worried
about having seizures because that’s scary, but I
think I regret starting an anti-anxiety medication
recently. I think that was the wrong thing to do because
I don’t need it. Since I started having seizures I’ve
tried to get off medicines, but I don’t think I need
the anti-anxiety medication. But I did ask for it.
Once you are taking it, you’re not a good judge of
whether you need it.
What would be helpful is for people to bring loving
energy into the house and help out with our everyday
life. I am not here to comfort you and I don’t need
you to comfort me. I am happy that his work has meant
so much to people.
It came to me in a dream last week that I was dying.
After that Abi sent an e-mail saying that if people
want to see me, they should come “sooner rather than
later.” The dream was weird because it felt supernatural.
I have had many since then, but I had never had dreams
like that before in my life. While I am having these
dreams, I am making the connections I need to make
in order to understand what I need to understand.
The purpose of my dreams is to help on my way. I look
forward to going to sleep so I can have these dreams.
What I need now is to take my meds, to stay warm
and to try to sleep and to stay comfortable. I like
to know that if I need something, there will be someone
there. Getting comfortable is kind of hard because
I don’t get out of bed very much.
I don’t know why we treat the dying like being sick.
I think dying should be a natural process.
My story has changed over the years. It’s been interpreted
by the people that help me to communicate because
most of the time I have been illiterate.
Dan
http://katzstein.com
http://life.katzstein.com