When
I took the lid off the cat’s paradox it looked at me
lazily and said: “I take the weekends off” and went
into the house. We sent the MRI films to Boston
immediately, but this was the first time we also got the
data on CD. So we were able to review the films on
the computer over the weekend.
On
Monday the report told me what I already knew. The
mass had grown bigger by half a cm all around [top
view, ear-to-ear view] in one
month. The radiologist no longer considered it an
abscess, but said it was tumor re-growth. When Dr.
Black saw the films he agreed it was tumor, but thought
radiation was the next course of action, not surgery.
He seemed a little surprised that I was not doing
radiation already.
Dr.
Weinstein, the infectious disease doctor, also agreed it
is tumor, so we discontinued the antibiotics.
So,
on Monday we go to Cleveland. They
reviewed my case and they have recommended surgery. So
Monday we will meet with a chemo specialist, a neuro-radiologist,
a neuro-surgeon, and a neuro-oncologist.
Whew!
Things
are moving fast and furious, but I’m glad at least
we’re moving. Currently, my left leg
from the knee down is uncontrollable. I’ve had
several near falls in the night without my leg brace.
My motor seizures are starting to break through again.
My stomach now does a rhythmic dance for a few minutes
several times a day. This just started 2 days ago.
So, we’re going to change my medicine to see if we can
get that under control.
Day-to-day
living has been getting more challenging by the week.
So, I am interested in surgery again to remove the bulk of
the tumor. Reducing the tumor size is the only way
to help alleviate my symptoms. And, surgery is the
quickest way to do that. The other treatments focus
on trying to kill the cancer, and may or may not reduce
the tumor size.
Maybe
Cleveland’s operating rooms are cleaner
than Boston’s. I certainly hope so.
I
talked to Margie last week about the difference between
living out of fear and living out of love. I spend
most of my life making decisions “out of fear.”
We talked a lot about the freedom that comes with letting
go of fear. Most of us live our lives from a fear
base. This concept is very much in my face right now
as I contemplate what to do next. As I wrote last
time, I can feel that the freedom is in the letting go of
expectations and results. But, that is so hard to
do. When I contemplate having a 4th
surgery, the only serenity I have is that it feels like
the next right thing to do.
Recently,
I’ve been talking to someone in Yellow Springs who has
undergone many cancer treatments. It’s so nice to
talk to someone else who understands what it feels like to
have my world be such a struggle while everyone goes about
their business. I’ve also written to a doctor in
CA, whose business is to help patients find resources to
get the best treatment, whether it is Western or
Alternative medicine. He’s a very busy person, and
I will not be able to talk with him until June 19th.
One
more thing about money… I wrote last time that our
families had given us $30K over the past 8 years.
After Abi and I talked about it, I realized it was more
like triple that amount. I am very grateful for
everyone’s generosity and I think I minimized what I
thought they contributed, because I was just thinking
about the last couple of years.
The
kids seem to be pensive about what’s going on.
When Zachary heard I wasn’t going to be using
antibiotics anymore he said, “Way to go Dad!”, but
then Abi told him that meant it was tumor re-growth and he
said, “Oh, that’s not good.” When Hana heard
that I might need radiation she asked Zachary if he had
heard. She has asked me every day since if I’ll
need radiation or not. She also said that she
didn’t want me to die. I told her I didn’t want
to die either and that I am doing everything I can to stay
well, but there are no promises. And no matter what
I would always love her. And she said she would
always love me and that she wanted me to die of old age.
Abi,
like me, I think is feeling drained and pulled by these
series of events, which go on and on and on…We keep
making plans, not knowing if we will actually be able to
carry them out. For example: going to my mothers’
on Memorial Day weekend, and Abi taking Hana to Chicago
next weekend for her birthday. But, in the back of
our minds, we always know that our plans might have to
change.
I’ll
let you know more after we’ve been to Cleveland.
With
Peace, Love and Hope,
Dan
http://katzstein.com
http://life.katzstein.com