Schrödinger's
Paradox
Tomorrow
I'm going to have a follow up MRI to try to determine what
the mass is that we identified last month. I've
continued to take the two antibiotics, but my endurance,
walking and balance have all deteriorated significantly.
Where I could walk five blocks a month ago, I can only
walk one block now. Last month I wore my foot brace
only outside, but now I wear it all the time.
So
the paradox is "what will the MRI say?"
So I'm writing today, the day before
the MRI, to express my thoughts prior to knowing the
scientific results. Although I know subjectively
that something is up. The last four weeks have been
challenging because I've been in a holding pattern, which
is a very familiar place to be, but it is difficult as
well. I know something is up, but I’m doing
anything about it yet. At least when I'm in motion,
I feel like I'm accomplishing something. But another
scary thing is that I know all the potential
possibilities, and none have very good solutions.
Abi wrote a full
history of my disease to date.
So
I’ve needed tools to help me through this process. Innerbonding
has helped reduce my stress. Started by Margaret
Paul, it is a therapeutic process that has helped me
distinguish what I can control and what I cannot.
She has reminded me over and over that I do not have
control over the outcome of my life, and that trying to
control it causes stress. What I can do is do
everything possible to be healthy. Eat well,
exercise, see doctors, and reduce stress. After I have
done all I can do, I have to let go of the results in
order to feel any sense of peace and joy. In fact,
none of us has control, really.
My
first mentor, Paul Nelson, taught me about process and not
imposing my will or control on a situation. Thereby
letting the event naturally occur. I was just beginning to
understand that concept in my early twenties.
Buddhism
As
you know, I have been studying Buddhism with Al Denman.
I learned that Buddhism literally means "to be
awake." I always thought it was a religion, but
as Zac astutely observed as dinner one night, Buddha said
he was a teacher, not a divine leader. And Buddhism
does not have a sacred text. One of the concepts
that I can identify the most with is that things
constantly change. The conflict between my
fixed idea of how things ought to be and how they actually
are causes suffering and stress. Another thing that
I got from studying Buddhism is intentional speech.
Buddha asks me to ‘see’ my intention before speaking.
To
be awake, I need to see the whole. Paradoxically,
this is impossibility. More importantly it is
something to strive for than to actually achieve.
But to see the whole, is to see how everything is
connected. To see how my actions affect everyone
else is to be ‘awake.’.
The
book I'm reading uses the analogy of a falling leaf in
autumn and how we often impose our will on life.
Unlike the falling leaf that takes its natural path to the
ground, we could choose to fall in midsummer or hang on
until next year. We think this is freedom, making
choices for ourselves, imposing our will. But in
fact it causes us suffering because it doesn't acknowledge
what is happening around us.
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So
what does this have to do with me? Well, in my
quieter moments, it does give me some sense of balance and
peace because it reminds me that life is a process, and
when I try to impose my concept of how things should be, I
get very stressed. But I am not such an enlightened
person that I can stay in this mindset all the time or
even very long at all. These are tools or paradigms
that help me.
Money
My
interpretation of our society is that by my age of 39, I
should be financially independent. But since I have
been sick for 8 years, my family has given us
approximately $30,000 to keep our standard of living the
same.
It
is very humbling to not be able to support ourselves.
And for some reason, it is difficult to ask for financial
support. The thing about money is that it always
seems to come with strings attached, even from family
members. It’s usually not a gift… “here, I
know you need this and I trust you use it for what you
need.” We each have our own hang ups about money.
It is much easier for people to give their time or
something physical than to give money.
Innerbonding
reminds me over and over again that I cannot change people
and how they handle their money. Therefore I have to
change my expectations.
So
when I open the box, the question is "will I be Boston
next week or in Yellow Springs?" We will let
you know when we know.
Love
and peace,
Dan