Date sent: Tue, 21 Jan 2003 09:56
To hell and back....

I’m having someone else type this.

I was connected to spirit and ready for everyone to go about there lives on Monday. Then the rug was pulled out from under my feet. As you know, ever since I have been trying to find my balance.

I spent two days in the hospital in Dayton, flew to Boston, had surgery on Wednesday, and by Thursday I was starting to recover. As a result of the surgery, I lost significant function in my left arm and hand. By Friday, I was feeling OK. Saturday night my seizures returned and I was losing strength. By Sunday, I was slipping into despair. I was having trouble eating and was very lethargic.

Sunday and Monday felt like a medicine I was taking was attacking me and on Monday I refused to take one of the medicines, so I switched to a different medicine. By this time I had lost all contact with spirit and my headaches were almost 24 hours a day. This continued most of the week. I had to force myself to eat. I kept wanting to be stoic and find some hope, but not finding the energy to do anything but lie there and sleep and rest.

What little I know of Buddhist teaching, he said pain is inevitable…suffering is optional; I was suffering. Slowly I did start to eat more but my mind was still focused on many negative things.

Still having seizures. Six weeks of antibiotics just to get ready for a year of chemotherapy. Still the headaches persisted, still I felt weak. Still I was looking for hope and spirit. At one point, I asked Abbi if I was dying and she said “no, she didn’t think so.” The doctors couldn’t find anything medically wrong with me. So on Saturday I came home.

Now I am home, needing a significant amount of home care, still on a lot of antibiotic drugs and trying to find a way to build my strength. I’m glad to be home and my mind is still stuck in this rut of self pity. I do not like the feeling of being dependent but two weeks out of surgery and with two antibiotics and a partial left side weakness, here I am.

With love, blessings and thanks,

Dan

http://katzstein.com

http://life.katzstein.com

 

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Copyright February, 2003 - Please do not copy any part of this journal without written permission.