I’m having someone else type this.
I was connected to spirit and ready for everyone to go about
there lives on Monday. Then the rug was pulled out from under
my feet. As you know, ever since I have been trying to find my
balance.
I spent two days in the hospital in Dayton, flew to Boston, had
surgery on Wednesday, and by Thursday I was starting to recover.
As a result of the surgery, I lost significant function in my
left arm and hand. By Friday, I was feeling OK. Saturday night
my seizures returned and I was losing strength. By Sunday, I was
slipping into despair. I was having trouble eating and was very
lethargic.
Sunday and Monday felt like a medicine I was taking was attacking
me and on Monday I refused to take one of the medicines, so I
switched to a different medicine. By this time I had lost all
contact with spirit and my headaches were almost 24 hours a day.
This continued most of the week. I had to force myself to eat.
I kept wanting to be stoic and find some hope, but not finding
the energy to do anything but lie there and sleep and rest.
What little I know of Buddhist teaching, he said pain is inevitable…suffering
is optional; I was suffering. Slowly I did start to eat more but
my mind was still focused on many negative things.
Still having seizures. Six weeks of antibiotics just to get ready
for a year of chemotherapy. Still the headaches persisted, still
I felt weak. Still I was looking for hope and spirit. At one point,
I asked Abbi if I was dying and she said “no, she didn’t think
so.” The doctors couldn’t find anything medically wrong with me.
So on Saturday I came home.
Now I am home, needing a significant amount of home care, still
on a lot of antibiotic drugs and trying to find a way to build
my strength. I’m glad to be home and my mind is still stuck in
this rut of self pity. I do not like the feeling of being dependent
but two weeks out of surgery and with two antibiotics and a partial
left side weakness, here I am.
With love, blessings and thanks,
Dan
http://katzstein.com
http://life.katzstein.com