Hello everyone. First, my health this year has been very good. I have
energy to work a full day and be with my family much of the evening. I had my second
follow-up visit with Dr. Goodman in December and he said the MRIs looked good.I'm not as
scared that I might have a seizure at a surprise moment. In some ways, life is returning
to 'normal.' I continue to feel the effects of something. Sometimes during the day I feel overly tired. On the weekend, I rest a lot and don't want to do too many things. Often I feel like I am in a slight fog - usually very slight. Is this from the Dilantin I continue to take? Am I still recovering 11 1/2 months later? Or is it something else? Today driving home for lunch I reflected on how I feel like my life is on automatic pilot - and that's what 'normal' feels like. I work all week getting computer stuff done. In the evenings I care for Zachary and Hana when Abi's at school. When Abi is home, we eat and then do something with the kids. On the weekend we clean, try to do something with and without the kids, watch SuperMan Sunday night, and start over again. I feel very numbed by this prospective. Not empowered. Abi and I have been talking about what else we might want to do with our lives. Where else we might live. What kind of thing would excite me.... I'm finding these questions very difficult to answer or even fully entertain. When I was moved from the Communications department 'back' to the Information Services department in January, I was very upset. I did not want to be 'moved around' and felt like I should leave YSI. As time has passed, though, I've felt much better about my role at YSI and feel good about my contribution. So now what? See that's it - I don't know. I am VERY scared about taking too many risks in moving or getting another job because of my health and my comfort. Someone I work with showed my a video today called Joshua in a box. The cartoon figure was 'boxed' in and fought very hard to get out. Then it found a way out. Then it did not know what to do....so it created another box for itself. Could I find a better fitting box? I'm not sure. In auto-pilot , I feel like I'm missing many things in this mode. I want to explore spirituality some more. But questions of how, when, what get in the way. I want to expand in other ways as well....but I feel like my energy is taxed now and I can't name a direction that is PULLING me. I hear myself nagging...Just go in any direction! When you are moving, you'll have time to steer! Often I stop all this chatter and think "I'm doing okay. My family is doing okay." Behind this statement, there's that question, 'right?' That reminds me of Zachary. When he makes a statement, he often asks 'right?' I listened to a tape from Dr. LeShan (I think that's it). He's done worked with cancer patients for more than 20 years. He inspired me. He talks about focusing on what's "right" about a person rather than focusing on what's "wrong." He has many stories about working with terminally ill patients and he's found he can do the most good by helping them find their DREAM, or PASSION. There's something chiche about this, but I like the message. Focus on what's GOOD about a person, and they will feel better. Yeah, we all have something we don't feel good about. And focusing on the good makes all the difference. Identifying my dream is not so clear. It's that box again. How do I see myself separate from my current circumstance? -------------- One more thing. My Grandmother died Thanksgiving day and Abi's Grandmother died in January. In some ways, I felt like they had spiritually 'moved on,' instead of disappearing from existence. This is a new prospective for me - and it feels good. Enough. Thank you for sharing my/our journey with me. I hope this message finds you well. With love, |