| I haven't written in awhile. Partly because I have been feeling better and partly because I felt like I often dwell on the difficulty of life when I write here. Feeling life's difficulties makes me want share more -- strangely. Right now I am laying in bed contemplating all of this with a laptop and music playing. Overall, my health has been excellent. I work full days, rest for 45 minutes when I get home and then participate in the rest of the evening. Some days I feel full of energy and almost 'normal -' what ever that is. I've been coaching Zachary's 5 and 6 year old soccer league. It's been great. Two weeks ago, however, I had a full week at work and then we shot a video on Saturday. All of this when very well. Then Monday, I was out of it. I stayed in bed all day - drifting in and out of sleep. This feeling is hard to convey. I am physically drained - and mentally hazy. The more tired I get, the harder it is to focus on anything else except my physical and mental state. During one of those drifting times I had a sense of 'I can't hold on' and felt my body shake some. Then I jumped up. Looked around; felt my hands; checked my memory. Did I have a small seizure? Or was I dreaming about having seizures? I got very scared - but didn't know what to do next. When Abi returned home, I told her. She was very upset - "We have to know if it was a seizure....there must be some test." But there is no way to know. One choice I have is to increase the amount of Dilantin I take to lessen the likelihood of seizures. I had my leveled check in Sept and found it to be 'clinically low.' But my doctors said if I wasn't having symptoms - to leave it there. So I did. I asked him at the time, 'how will I know if I am having symptoms?' and he said, 'you'll know.' Tuesday I stayed home and Wednesday I felt better and when to work most of the day. I tried not to focus on it. One of my good friends at work said to me that week. "It's so weird, you were so strong and now you are weak. It seems almost spiritual." Last week I had a very busy week at work - with training all day for the first 4 days. That seemed okay. I worked Monday morning and then after lunch I went to bed and stayed there most of the rest of the day. Today I also stayed home - and when to my family doctor to talk about these events - at Abi's request. He agreed that fatigue does make one more prone to seizures and that my sleepiness may be related to this. So - we tested my Dilantin level and will consider increasing it. Sometimes I just want to SCREAM! When will this all end? Will it? I feel so good. Then there is a not so subtle reminder - I'm not fully cooked. My doctor said he is very comfortable with my current recovery. I'm impatient - especially today. These events do help to remind me to focus on what is important in my life. Abi. Zachary. Hana. Myself. Being. I also ask myself, am I just using Dilantin to live a more stressful life? Maybe I need less stress, not more medicine. Yet, I don't want to live a 'protective' life if I don't have to. So I choose to try medicine - if that is called for. ---------------- Other thoughts: I found out someone I used to live with years ago also has a growth in the brain. A friend of ours recently found out a cancer has returned and needs treatment. A new teacher at Zachary's school is getting brain surgery next week. All of these events give me pause. I went to see Dr. Bernie Seigal speak in Springfield a few weeks ago. He came out with a piece of white paper with a black dot in the middle (I could see from the 3rd story seats). He asked, 'What do you see?' I tried to make out what the black dot might be. Then he said - 'yes, there is a black dot....but what about ALL of this white? If you spend you time focusing on the black dot, you miss the other parts of your life.' ------------------ This week I will be 32. What's 32? Not a kid just out of college. Not an older/wiser person. It is what I am. Strong. Wandering some. Competent. Learning. Loving. Vulnerable. Scared. Living. My love to each of you! Be well. |