| July 1995. Three and a half months after surgery. What does all this mean now? How am I doing NOW? Start with the second question. Overall I am doing exceptionally. I've been telling people, "compared to last month, I'm great....compared to two months ago, I'm outstanding!" Two months ago, driving to Dayton (20 minutes) was scary. Would I be too tired? Could I concentrate that long? What if I did start to 'black out?' Today I think I would be much more comfortable driving there. But, you know, since the discovery of my cancer, I pretty much let other people drive. Before, anywhere Abi and I went - I'd drive. On long trips we'd share, but I loved to drive - so often I did. Now I don't. Why? Partly because I still have a worry nagging me. Partly because I don't 'need' to drive. I can just nag from the passenger's seat. I am working almost full days and then returning home for an evening nap. I get periods of headaches and drowsiness and mild disorientation. Like two weeks ago I was walking out of the Caf to go upstairs and I had the feeling my head was floating. I did not think I was in danger, but felt like I'd better go sit down and rest a while. Sometimes when I am talking - especially to a group - I'll be talking along and then I just can't think of a word. I'm sure I did this before, but I am very aware of any potential deficiency. I experience a very strange moment when everyone is looking at me and there is complete silence - like a mini panic. This only lasts maybe 2 seconds and then I think of a different word. I guess what I am trying to say is I am better and not 'finished.' Anything that takes a lot of energy like traveling by car or a flu, will wipe me out. Then next few days after these events I will spend much of the day sleeping. I keep remembering Ron's advice that it will be at least 6 months before I will feel 'good' most of the time. ---------------------- Two weeks ago I got nervous as I did my first follow-up MRI. Would it be gone? Would I found out bad news? What about and what if and what? So, we did the MRI at Greene and it went okay. This time they would not allow Abi in the control room, but they did give us a copy of the films right away. We went right to the car and looked and looked. Then brought them home and looked some more. Our lay opinion is that there is scar tissue, but they really did remove something! Our first proof. The area looks a lot smaller and hollow instead of filled. I'll see Dr. Goodman on July 20th. Right now I think of myself as 'past the cancer.' Last night Abi asked if that was optimism or delusion. I can't tell from here, but I feel like the cancer is gone and now what is left is my need to better understand myself, to appreciate what I have (like my family and friends), and to find a place for a personal spirituality. These are the things that will heal me inside. My mother and her new husband Vally have suggested a process outlined in two books, Inner Bonding and Healing Your Aloneness. The process has a nice mix of learning to express the 'child' side of me (feelings, excitement, etc.), learning to take care of myself as an 'adult' instead of an 'adult-child,' and looking to spirituality as an infinite source of love. These concepts appeal to me, yet I am a little squeamish about them. ---------------------- Another thing I have noticed is that I have started to think about work most of the time again. I have a deadline to get a program working by the end of August. I have a presentation to the Management Team in a week. Pressures and deadlines. Is there a balance? Am I balanced now? I don't think there is a right answer. -------------------------- To assist creative visualization, Dr. Bernie suggested we animate our white blood cells that fight cancer and other dis-ease. So several months ago - being the farm boy that I was - I chose goats as my symbol. Goats are friendly, gentle animals that will eat ravenously. I can remember goats breaking into our house and bolting for the baking flour! They knew where it was and they were going to get some.... So, my white blood cells are goats, eating all the left over cells that should not be there. I 'see' them in my head biting off all the sprouts that should not be there. They also help me out when I get sick. -------------------------- I've also noticed that I have a harder time showing my love for the people around me, even though I feel it. I'm kinda reserved about that. Sometimes I just want to give people hugs or say 'I really appreciate you.' Sometimes I do it. Sometimes I just think it. Overall I feel more emotionally available. I'm moved by things. At the Antioch School's graduation, for example, I felt the swell of pride around me as the 6 graders graduated. I was moved to tears - even though I did not know any of them. Yet, Abi tells me often that she wishes SHE had someone to talk to about her. That I just have not been available. So it is. ------------------------- Maybe that's enough. I'll let you know what Dr. Goodman has to say after I see him. I love each of you. Thank you for your contribution to my life! |