WRONG!

As I heal physically, I realize I am very shaken emotionally. Last night I started crying about nothing specific. I cried for half an hour. Two things came to me from this experience. One is I don't allow myself to cry out loud. I keep it very close - like a sob. Also, well, I am searching for words here - I have lived a very lonely life. At work, I've seem myself as the 'only one that can _____ ' (fill in the blank).

That's not it exactly. It's more like I have to be responsible for 'everything' because no one else will be. 'Things' at home. 'Things' at work. I don't know. I can't quite capture my feeling.

I've stared to listen to "Love, Medicine & Healing," by Bernie Seigal. This could be called the bible of cancer patients. One question he asks on the tape is - 'why do you need this cancer?' That question sticks in my mind. Rabbi Chinn asked the same question in different words. I'm kind of getting that some of my life has been a performance to please those around me. This is a very lonely place to be. I am continuing to explore being 'genuine.'

I am also reading "Now that I have cancer, I am whole." It contains two or three page journal entries from a cancer patient. He talks about many of the scary things I am facing. Ironically, when I first read the title, I saw - "Now that I have cancer, who am I?"

The Weather:
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I continue to do much better each week. I went to work Mon-Wed mornings. I saw people, did a little work and said Thank You at a company meeting. This weekend I walked miles at HamVention. I moved slowly and covered much more ground than I expected.

Without much sleep, Friday night's dinner out was the most difficulty I have experienced in weeks. This coming week I plan to work 'as much as I feel comfortable with.'

Overall, I need an nap during the day. And most of the time I am feeling pretty good and strong.

Other Ideas:
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Abi says my hair is a good metaphor for my condition. No, I am not Samson, but each day I get better and each day my hair grows a little. This is also an excellent reminder that I have several months to go to feel 'complete.'

When I met with my holistic healer - Ron Landau - he reminded me that it might be 6 months before I feel completely recovered. Having brain surgery is a big disruption to the brain, he said. If you look at it as an organ - there are some effect to the entire system until pathways are re-established. These reminders are helpful to keep me grounded.

He also wanted to know if I wanted to use herb treatments to 'fight' whatever cancer may remain. I said I did not. I want to 'fight' through better emotional understanding and well being.

One of the common themes in the cancer info I have seen is people 'win' against their cancer by getting 'religion' about something. Some find God. Some focus on the food they eat. Some dedicate their lives to something. They find a guiding purpose to focus on. I wonder what that looks like for me? Or if this even fits me.

Emotionally I am searching and experiencing. Love and warmth is one thing I have found. I have also found I have a stronger sense of self. I don't know where I am going. Thanks for coming along anyway. My warmth and kindness to each of you!