Dear Loved Ones,

Dan has written three messages recently that have not yet been sent. He has had some computer problems (now mainly solved) and some inner communications (continuing to evolve). I present them here, with my own comments on context and progress.

Message 10/14/04

Even though it’s been a long time since I have written, I am doing well. I have learned a lot.

The most important thing is that life is a process. If you trust it, you will be ok. The process will provide everything you need. It’s hard to trust that you’ll be taken care of; you always want to control it.

When you are waiting for things to be ok, when you struggle, it’s a waste. You are wasting energy and you can’t change the outcome, like my cancer. You are still in the process and you can’t change it.

I feel things are right and like they should be. So there is no struggle.

Love

Dan

http://katzstein.com

http://life.katzstein.com

This message required a great deal of feedback, from Liz, from Rabbi David, from other visitors. In some sense, it seemed as though what he was trying to say was much more complex than the words he was using. In other ways, what he was trying to say was also very simple. David helped Dan sum it up by saying “You are not alone, The world will take care of you.” Dan agreed this is truly what he was trying to say.

From my perspective the comment “there is no struggle” is the simplest description of Dan’s life. He has completely let go of the struggle. He sleeps, eats, thinks, potties, loves, smiles, hugs, kisses… he glows with love, light and warmth.

Message 10/19/04

I realize that I’ve been in a haze for months and I didn’t know it. I had clues – I knew that I was confused – I knew that my cancer continued to grow and I can’t stop it. I am confused all the time but I didn’t know to what degree. I spend all my time in bed sleeping. I can’t remember when I went outside last. If you can imagine, going to the bathroom is hard – I can’t walk, but we’ve worked it out.

I have found that I have the plans for me. So, when people ask what I need I always tell them what I need is their love and support – for me and my whole family.

I was thinking about today that up until now I thought I was on a mission to figure out things. The secret to the universe and how it works, how dying and how it ends up that we’re linked because I have felt that my dreams were insight. My dreams are important work. So, I felt tricked. I got a lot of people saying my dreams were amazing. I thought I was working on that, I thought I was working on the meaning of life. I thought I was making progress in the way of thoughts…

My dreams have given me things to work on. I got the idea that my dreams were unique and now I have feelings that I have learned them from friends.

Dan

http://katzstein.com

http://life.katzstein.com

 

During this period of time, Dan was sad that he thought that what he knew, he didn’t know. There was a great sense of loss for yet one more part of himself. We also talked about that sense of being “tricked” for a long time. It seems that when he was able to recognize his confusion, the things he learned from dreams, and the dreams themselves that had seemed so real, weren’t really real, and so not valid. There were times when he thought the people around him were acting, like “in a play” because they knew what was going on and he didn’t. However, as you know, Dan’s intellect has always compensated for his deficits. Within a day or so, he started waking up and saying “I need to be oriented” (meaning, tell me what is happening right now, next, today…), “help me separate my dreams from reality”, and finally, again “this is what I have learned and I want to share it with you…” We spent a morning listing his dreams and talking about what was going on around the house and how they were related, what was current, memory and invention (or possibly, out of body experience).

Message 10/24/04

When I found that I had terminal cancer, I heard about the Buddhist Way to accept death. It’s about role playing. You play like you are an Indian. Sounds easy, right? But I go to sleep tired and I wake up 15 inches tall.

I said before I am in bed all day.

I don’t use the computer. I don’t miss it.

I need help just to get out of my bed.

I get headaches from thinking all the time.

This is the most intense game that I have played in my life.

I am still confused. For example, I asked somebody where I was and they said I was in my house.

And, we have moved my computer out of the room, because I don’t use it.

I was woken last night by bombs – I asked Mom what was going on and she said we were bombing Iraq. I couldn’t get back to sleep.

I have weird dreams. I can’t explain them, but they help keep me from thinking about the cancer. The whole family is playing along.

(We had to stop for awhile, later Dan continues)…

The thing is, it doesn’t feel like a game (confusion makes things feel surreal).

It feels like a game because you play parts. If I think of it like outside, it feels very serious. That’s why the word “game” doesn’t fit.

Dan

http://katzstein.com

http://life.katzstein.com

 

Ok, how do I explain this one? I think that role playing Indian is a reference to Shamanism, drumming and tribal ritual that supports his inner life. He has been doing a lot of “journeying” in his dreams, and he wakes up and tells us about them. The Hospice folks, and others, refer to this as traveling between two worlds, this one and the next. He has had “dreams” where he has escorted a recently killed parrot to the next world, where he has had to choose between getting medical assistance for people injured in a car accident or helping someone else transition to the next world (he chose to help the man transition), he tried to warn the pilots that there was a bomb on the wing of an in-flight airplane – and they wouldn’t listen to him (“It was a lesson for me, not to try to change things… well, I can try, but things won’t change”). The conversation he had with his mother about Iraq was actually quite fluid and intact, he was there, and he could find no peace. Usually his dreams are coherent and with lesson.

He continues to honor his soul, the teacher, by trying to share his experiences with us. He organized the family into a drumming circle Sunday morning. He said the drumming ritual opens the door between this world and the next, and that in the next world there was pure love. He wanted us to experience that pure love. I asked him if he was preparing, or practicing, he said “both.” We lit candles, burned sage, and drummed. Zachary had a powerful vision of Dan, and Dan was pure light/love/energy. It was amazing.

I hope you can get a flavor of what is happening here. It is very difficult to relay in a few words this incredible and powerful journey. Phyllis described it as “everything”.

With love,

Abi and Dan

http://katzstein.com

http://life.katzstein.com