He died last
Thursday, June 24th. His death was completely unexpected.
Though he never got out of ICU, he was improving after
his surgery. I’ve only been able to take in the shock
of his death a little bit at a time. At first I didn’t
think about it very much but little things kept reminding
me like I would see something of his or I’d be talking
with my brother about the practical side of his death.
What to do with his stuff? Or talking to his wife and
when his funeral might be. You only talk about these
things when a person has died.
On Sunday, we had a Jewish mourning service for my
dad. This service was a very powerful reminder of
how special he was and made his death more real. When
my daughter heard that he was being cremated, she
wrote him a letter to be burned with him. It had a
joke in it but what moved me the most was she wrote,
“Good-bye forever”. That brought tears to my eyes
and still does.
He’s always had more health problems than I do but
his death makes me think about my death, of course.
My own worries about my health and energy compound
my not wanting to think about my father’s death. Abi
asked me last night if I had had “a good cry”, I thought
about that this morning and realized that a good metaphor
would be that if I started crying it would be like
a seizure because I don’t know when I’d stop.
I feel very lucky that I was able to visit my dad
twice in the last six weeks. He came to the radio
convention in Dayton and we saw him at Abi’s medical
school graduation in Athens.
Though it hurts to see him die, his cancer was a
stage three and so he would’ve had a lot of arduous
treatment ahead of him. In so as much as it hurts
his passing is a blessing in some ways.
What Now
His death makes me wonder what will happen when I
die. I’ve gotten many different perspectives from
my dad’s death. He died quickly which left family
members scrambling and reeling to figure out what
to do next and how to cope with his death.
I’ve watched Jerry and sometimes he’s doing well
and other times he seems to be dying. His family and
friends are always by his side and always wondering
what’s going to happen next. Knowing that death is
inevitable it’s just a matter of when not if.
With my cancer it’s always been a question of when
not if. It’s just the when has been a very, very,
long time fortunately.
As my dad’s wife has pointed out cancer is becoming
more treated more like a “chronic illness” rather
than a terminal illness as they improve treatments,
because people are living longer.
So where am I now?
As you may remember, I’ve been on an eight week cycle
of chemo with six weeks on and two weeks off. This
last cycle was a lot harder than the last. My stomach
was not able to tolerate the chemo this time at all.
This is not good news because this is “a well tolerated
chemo” and very effective against the cancer I have.
Just before our trip to New York to visit my Grandfather,
I had four days of rectal bleeding so I chose to stop
the chemo until we could get more information. The
bleeding did stop. Even after being off of the chemo
for ten days, I’m already walking slower and I’m more
fatigued. A colonoscopy confirmed that the bleeding
was being caused by a significant hemorrhoid and not
the chemo. But, if I take the chemo, it puts my digestive
system in an uproar, so I need to see if I can find
a stomach medication that will help me tolerate the
chemo.
Lighter Notes
Hana and Zachary are always asking at dinner, “Can
we have a food fight?” So for Father’s Day we did
just that. Here are some Pics of Abi’s graduation
party and father’s Day. We celebrated with coleslaw,
potato salad, whipped cream, ketchup and mustard.
Then a good shower. It was messy good ole’ Kroger
fun!
If you remember we went to Disney World over spring
break. Well, I finally finished the video from that
trip and here
it is. Some of the sound is really bad…I’m working
on that.
We made a special trip to visit my Grandfather in
Brooklyn, NY. I’ve not been in Brooklyn in more than
five years. It was great to see that at 89 years old
he’s still very engaged in his community and in his
life in general.
And life goes on. I’m sure there is more, but I’m
done for now.
Thanks for listening.
With blessings, love, awe and wonder,
Dan
http://katzstein.com
http://life.katzstein.com