Date sent: Sat 1/3/2004 10:04 PM
What do I do with these feelings?

Sometimes I feeling I feel like I’m dying.

There I wrote it.  I wanted to start with “I’m dying,” but I did not have the nerve and I’m not sure I mean anyway.  I’m not supposed to write that.  I’m supposed to write about how I am stable or how much better I’m getting or what I’m doing to improve my health.  But sometimes – more recently, but known why – I’ve been thinking more this phrase.  And that frightens me.  Abi asked me some depression Q, ‘Is yours life so overwhelming that you want it to end?’ I said no to all the questions.

I feel like a statue that has been in the weather a long time, slowly being worn away.  I was going to wait and write when Kate could help me…I had my test results from the MRI last Wednesday and I’d seen the doctors in Cleveland on Tuesday, but I could not wait.  Even typing with one hand, I feel compelled to ‘speak out.’

On 1/1/04 Abi and I took Shanaya for a normal walk.   After some standing in one place, I could not move my left leg…so Abi guided me home.  Probably a mini-seizure.  I needed rest the next few days.

What’s going on?  Has the drop in the steroids messed with my ‘mind?’  Do I have some infection like last time?  Or am I just getting tired of fighting….or this a is premonition?

Also things on the MRI have ‘changed’ since October, Abi and I agree.  Now it is a wait and see game. What does that ‘mean?’

And what does ‘No accidents “mean” is this context?’

From Last Time

Please excuse all the missing words in the letter.   I corrected them on the web, but….

New

Also, several people wanted to know what Jeanne, the nutritionist suggested.   The is a .pdf file for you to look at.

Also I have a best of the pictures from November that I want to share…

Finally I’ve been working with digital video.  Here is a clip that requires Windows (sorry).  Or in might work in Internet Explorer on the Mac (untested).

New Year’s

This coming year, I want to learn more about Joy.  And what that means to me specially.

I hope you have a most joyous 2004.  May your spirits lift you off the ground!

With LOVE, HOPE, KINDNESS, and, BLESSINGS!

Dan
http://katzstein.com

http://life.katzstein.com

 

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Copyright February, 2004 - Please do not copy any part of this journal without written permission.