Does any couple ever have an idea of what their life will be like once they say their “I do’s?” Do they ever know what they are doing, I wonder. And with my own brother joining the ranks of those whose marriages are ending in divorce, I find myself asking again, what is different between the relationships that make it and the ones that don’t, and is there any way to increase the odds that a couple might make it?

During my time as vocation director, there was a priest who worked with us to help us identify qualities to look for in a suitable candidate for priesthood. He said this: “People who are faithful do things that people who aren’t don’t.” There are some learnable skills for commitment that will help people through the difficult portions of life. As you interview candidates, you need to look to see how those skills are there already in their lives. He goes on to list 9 skills. Let me just list three today, as helps, not just for our married couples, but also for people who are divorced or widowed or single – all of us really. Because they are the skills of loving. They are the skills of loving.

1)Committed people realize that their lives are grounded on a mystery, a plan that is partly theirs, but also bigger than their own. Ask a couple to tell you how they met and how they came to be married, ask a priest how he chose to become one, and you will hear a sense that “God called them to this life.” Both Genesis and Mark’s gospel reaffirm this belief. “What GOD has joined… let no one sunder.” And couples/priests who remain faithful, remind themselves daily that their lives are a realization of the plan of God for them.

As an aside, statistics tell us that couples who share a common prayer experience, be that mass, the rosary, scripture reading or whatever – have almost a 95% success rate in terms of marriage. By prayer, they tap into that mission and mystery that surrounds their lives.

2)Couples who are faithful have learned to ask and answer a simple question. “Is this helpful?” and then to abide by the answer that comes. So, the spouse on the business trip asks themselves: “Is my going down to the hotel bar at 11:00 at night, in a city where I know no one, a helpful thing for my marriage?” Or they ask: “Is my love for sports and coaching a helpful thing for my marriage, especially since I am up at St. Ann’s 5 nights a week because of it?” “Is this (fill in the blank) activity, whatever it is, helpful?

3)Finally, do they practice generosity? The person who makes it in a relationship, in the priesthood, in the single life, in marriage, does so because they look for opportunities to serve, not to be served. They know their spouse has a big week ahead of them, so they take over a chore that the other does – that load of laundry, cutting that hedge, cleaning that toilet. They make a habit of being generous, of looking out for the good of the other first. And as they do so, they fall in love all over again with their spouses/friend/passion.

This Sunday, the readings speak to us so profoundly about the holiness of marriage, and its indissolubility. As the Archbishop once said: Sometimes, we wish Jesus hadn't taught or spoken the things we did. Our lives would be much easier if he hadn’t spoken about marriage as he did. But there it is, and we must somehow try to integrate that teaching into our lives. So, may our choices this week reflect not that “We knew not what we do” – but that we were very conscious about all that we do…