After my last cathartic update, I started the new Chemo regiment and within two weeks felt much better, so with your prayers, good wishes, and a new medical treatment, I received the gift of hope.

Next, Abi read me the book tuesdays with Morrie. This book changed many of my perspectives on my current situation. It is about a 70-year-old professor that is dying of ALS and his former student – a sports writer, grappling a mid-life crisis.

I identify with the struggle of both these characters. “A struggle of opposites they often called it.” For example:

People: being with people is the most important thing in one’s life.

Death: most people don’t believe that they’re really going to die. They know they will someday, but if they thought they might die today, they’d probably do things differently than they’re doing them right now.  Ambition is not too important if you are going to die today.  This helps me to appreciate what is now. “When you learn to die, you learn to live,” he says.

Family: Morrie also emphases the importance of a family.  “Sure friends would visit, but family will be with you no matter what.” Like Abi; there is no substitute.

Touch: everyone needs more human touch.  It feeds our the soul.

Money: in our current society, we often equate the ability to buy to feeling to loved, but buying does not equal love. If you look at rich people like the Bill Gates, they don’t seem to be the happiest people in the world.

Self-pity: when Morrie feels grief and anger, he feels them completely, lets them wash through him, and then he puts a time limit on how long he will stay in those emotions.

None of these concepts are new to me and all of them are extremely important. I’ve been integrated them in my life in some ways, over time, in baby steps. The book is a gift because it brings all concepts that I want to learn and have been learning throughout my journey into one succinct expression.

More about Where I am Now

I have been able to drop the extra seizure medicine that I added two months ago and am walking with more stability. My headaches are basically gone; my stamina is returning slowly.

I’ve been able to focus on things other than “how I feel today.” I talked to Jeanne Wallace about changing my diet to a more healthy/weight reducing/protein emphasizing diet. Here is a link to the .pdf of her recommendations. These changes are actually radical because most of the foods she wants me to eliminate or reduce are things that I eat everyday. So, it’s going to be a paradigm shift. I’m committed to making these changes however, because I am tired of carrying around an extra 35 lbs. wherever I go. I’m also committed to significantly reducing the steroids now that my headaches are under control.

When I read back through some of my previous updates, I used to label feelings about how I doing the “weather” because it changed so unpredictably and so often. I still feel that same way today. And today, it is a gift to feel so positive.

Disney World

Two weeks ago we drove to Disney World and spent a week there. I went to be with my family. I did not go to any of the theme parks. As planned, I spent all my time in the hotel. A companion/helper came for two days.  I tried to walk as much as possible. Abi did two months of planning the trip, including renting me a scooter, so I would have more mobility. I brought all kinds of electronics like a digital camera and camcorder, radios, and cell phones, but most of the pictures were taken in the hotel room, ironically. Pictures from April to come – but I’ve chosen to write first.

I also brought a flu from Ohio, and my continued chemo treatment, which made the 22-hour, two-day drive more difficult, but is a testament to my increased stamina.

When we arrived at Disney world there’s an arch that says Welcome to Disney World which I interpret as meaning “leaving the real world.” In Dizzy world, the kids enjoyed themselves, but not as much as the first time we were there three years ago.  Andy, my brother-in-law, helped dramatically, bringing balance to the foursome that ventured out.

On the last day, Abi and her brother wanted to go to Animal Kingdom and Zac and Hana did not. My kids gave me the greatest gift of all.

They chose to stay with me rather than go to the last theme park. So we spent the whole day just walking, and then ate lunch, then I rested, then they swam. When Abi and her brother returned, we went for dinner. This was the best day of the vacation for me.

Money Matters

Now that my retirement funds from YSI are becoming accessible, my paradigm about money is shifting from “how are we going to pay for the gas bill this month,” to planning for how are we going to make this money last until Abi is working as a doctor. This planning process has been very difficult for me.

On the one hand, I can see how much time I waste worrying about little money expenses. On the other hand, I can see how quickly our limited resources can be spent. We’re working with a financial planner who I think has a good perspective, and she said “relative to your future potential, you’re still ‘cash poor’.”

I’ve grown up in such a frugal environment that I can resonate with this concept. Abi’s point is also well taken, which is that we can do anything that we want, we just can’t do everything that we want.

Money has been a central such a central theme in my life for so long that it’s hard to even conceive of life without worrying about it.  We’d had not gotten financially established before I got sick.

Touching other people with Brain Tumors

I met someone in Yellow Springs last year while helping him with a computer problem. Two months later he had a 6 cm high-grade brain tumor removed (which was last July).

I’ve helped him with computer related issues since then, and now I’m visiting him weekly. He’s having a very difficult time right now. In the last three weeks, he has become bed-ridden. His rapid decline is extremely scary to experience. But, I am glad to be able to contribute what I can to him and his wife. Again, it has been a gift to be a part of their process even thought it is hard to watch.

I fear a rapid decline in my life. When I mentioned that to Abi, she said that, if and when I do decline it would probably be much slower. 

Abi asked me what I’d like to be different in my next life. I said I’d like to work more with people. This is ironic because through my writing, I reach hundreds of people even though I may not know how many or who reads it. So in a sense, I’m fulfilling some of what I want to do then - now. In the last week, I’ve been thinking, “Why am I waiting for my next life? Why not now?”

I continue to learn how many people actually read what I write. For example, I met someone at an Inner Bonding intensive in June of 2002. Her Reiki group in Toronto included me in their circle when I had surgery in December of that year.  These 50 individuals continue to follow my story.

My step brother still keeps track of a few childhood friends of mine without computers. He prints my updates and mails them directly to them. I continue to email my updates to the family we met on our honeymoon in France in 1987. And, I know my mother has a whole re-distribution list of her own. My website receives 30 visits a day. In the end I have no idea how many people I actually reach, but my story seems to have meaning to a lot of people.

Every person that takes his or her time to read about my journey gives me a gift of hope and love!

Isn’t Spring great!

With Love, Generosity, and Hope,