I had breakfast with Sterling Wiggins last week and one of the things we talked about was how I still get upset seeing “normal” couples and their children walking down the street getting ready to hike or bike or do some  “family” thing.  I started to tell him how these feelings are not healthy for me and I started to spout some new age ideas about how it’s not good me or anyone else to dwell on my misfortunes and the fortunes of others.  He said he could understand that but - in that moment he “can’t quite get there.” 

I was taken aback.  I thought about what he said and I realized that I wasn’t telling myself the truth and I said to him, “you’re right, that it’s only in my calm, meditative state that I can feel that compassion, but in the heat of the moment I do feel that loss.”  And in that conversation with Sterling I realized that I wasn’t being true to myself when I ignored those feelings.  That anger; sense of loss; wanting my life to be different.  

On the way home he asked, “Do you cut yourself slack?” 

“Almost never.  I’m very hard on myself, particularly around what I’d like to be doing and what I am unable to do…..all the shoulds.”

Hallway Meditation

Fran, Sterling ’s Mother-in-law, has been helping me with meditations in my newly created room.  In this meditation, I was asked to pick a door from a hallway filled with rooms behind doors.  The door I chose was not a door exactly, but the room was blocked by chains and metal balls with spikes on them.

Before entering the room you can gather whatever you need, ie, tools, to be in the room.

I put on an entire suit of armor, but even with this on, I was still injured as I charged though the doorway. The room was lit on all sides with torches and had tables on three sides.  There were many, many people in the stadium seating who were eating. It was a medieval setting; straw and dust on the floor.  The air was dry and heavy. I had a sword and my opponent, who was also wearing armor was there.  My opponent represented the cancer.

The cancer and I fought for awhile. The whole crowd was supportive of me in the background. I brought out “bigger and better weapons” - radiation and chemotherapy.

“Is this the room you want to be in,” Fran asked.

“No,” I responded.

She suggested that I create a guide and ask him or her about how to create what I want.

I thought about this for a minute and re-created an older Native American man who I’ve seen in many previous guided imageries. He suggested that I not see the cancer as an enemy, but to embrace it.  Embrace it as part of me, if not as a friend.

I had to think about that for awhile.  To not “fight?” What would that mean or look like?  Was it safe?  I knew I did not feel safe fighting and I did not see a “winner.”  But….

She asked me to work with the guide to make the room what I wanted it to be.

I changed from medieval scene to being by a brook under a large red oak tree next to a flowing river with someone giving me healing touch.

Physical vs. Essence

I’ve developed a significant “beer gut” and “double-chin” and gained 10 pounds in 6 months from the steroids.  My physique makes me depressed. I feel like I am physically falling apart – I need to use a cane when I’m outside because my hip is weak and my knee gives out.  This feels devastating.

“When you look in a mirror do you see your physical body or your essence,” Abi asked me one day.

“I guess I see my physical body because that’s what I’ve always seen.  I experience my essence when I’m not looking at my physical body.”  It’s ironic because for the last 15years I’ve told Abi when she looks in the mirror it’s not what you look like – it’s who you are.

Now that the shoe is on the other foot it’s not so easy.

I stared at the mirror for about 10 minutes and thought about what it means to see essence in the mirror.  I’m still perplexed about by that.

Medicine

I saw Dr. Simkins about my meds.  I brought my pharmacy (as he called it).   

He did a neuro-exam and said he thinks my weakness is from the continuing radiation damage.

We made a plan to get off of 2 of the 5 seizure meds I take, beginning with Keppra. 

I was very excited when I left!  Getting off medicine?  Unheard of.

The next day (Thurs) I didn’t take any Keppra. Friday morning I had a seizure in my left arm that spread to my left cheek……so scratch that plan.

Dr. Simkins is not in favor of significantly decreasing the steroids without having another MRI done to see what exactly is going on.  So I’ll get to 10 mg/day or maybe 8 mg/day before my follow-up in November.

I begin the next round of chemo on Friday, 10/3, for 5 days.  I don’t need to go to Cleveland and the meds can be called to the pharmacy in town.

I follow up in Cleveland next month.

Meditation room

I would like to acknowledge the room and its importance.

It is important to me to have a quiet space to get away from the business and clutter of the house.  It’s come along nicely.

I particularly want to thank Dawnell Killbourne for painting the mural.  I’d like to thank my Mom and her husband Vally for the relaxation chair and helping to set up the room, an early birthday present now that I’m 20.  OK double that.  And to thank Abi for making sure the whole project happened after being stalled many times.

Here’s some pictures that will show you the room itself.  It’s such a nice space that Zachary has started to think about using it to get away from the hustle and bustle of the house.  He has mentioned many times that he just wants to go and use the room.  We had to trade off the chair for an electric chair because I was unable to maneuver the manual chair that we got the first time.  I am still settling in, but it has become a peaceful, calm, settling place for me and it is open to the rest of the family.

With love, peace and understanding and grace, 

Dan
http://katzstein.com
http://life.katzstein.com