Date sent: Tue 6/10/03 12:57 PM
So far so good - my 100th entry....

 This is my third week of treatment and my fatigue is definitely noticeable but not debilitating.  The most difficult thing is my increased left side weakness.  Yesterday I tried to get down to my hands and knees to exercise, and my arm and leg could not hold that position, and I flopped over like a beached whale.  It took me three tries to get back up right.  And even then, Abi had to help me get back to my feet when I was done. 

I was waking up with significant headaches last week, and so Dr. Mackliss increased my steroids to 8 mg per day.  That has helped. 

I started PT yesterday.  The steroids might help the weakness, but I am grateful to be actively working on my strength.  While I am fearful for my safety (due to weakness) the overall treatments seem to be going ok.  I am tolerating the chemo and radiation with out any trouble.  It feels like the extra fatigue and weakness are the main side effects I am dealing with right now.

This week, Abi took some pictures of the radiation treatment room, mask and all.  The tallis that I use as a “blanket”/ritual every time I get treatment is from Rabbi David Burstein, who said, “Keep as long as you need it.”  There is also a picture of the MRI/PET/CT composite, which shows the relative location and size of all my tumors, and the arc lines the radiation path follows.  Each are linked separately so you can choose which ones you want to view or not view.

1.)     Composite Image

2.)     Laying down with tallis (tech is leveling base of head)

3.)     Mask in place

4.)     Ready to go

I have been going home on the weekends to touch base, which has been stressful for the drive, but very fulfilling to see the kids and to sleep in my own bed.  Many people have been surprised to see me in YS – thinking that I would be in Cleveland for the whole six weeks.  So, if you see me in town on Saturday, that’s why. 

Some people have replied to my emails, and said they didn’t know whether to reply or not.  I write my emails, first as a public journal, to share my thoughts, and what is going on with me, with you.  So, if something that I write touches you, it is wonderful to hear from you, but I do not expect a reply.  Conversely, if you write back to me, I may or may not have the energy to reply again.  What ever happens,  happens.  You also have my implicit permission to forward these emails to anyone you think might like to read them. 

Abi had noticed over the last week that I had been getting short tempered about common things, like waiting for doctors.  I had said to her that “how much of our life have we spent waiting in doctor’s offices…” 

I took the time to talk with Margie about this, she suggested again, that I focus on gratitude and “being” rather than “doing” – specifically focusing on things that I found beautiful, or aesthetically pleasing and experiencing them on an emotional level rather than just a physical level… like a beautiful flower, being outside… trying to bring in more of that experience into my life…

So I brought some things from home to decorate our room with… like pictures of the kids, a yalmulke that Abi bought me, and I have been conscious of trying to take more time to experience things that I am grateful for.  It feels very good. 

Thank you for joining me on this journey.

With warm thoughts, love and hope,

Dan
http://life.katzstein.com
http://www.katzstein.com 


"life can only be understood backwards,
but must be lived forwards"

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Copyright June, 2003 - Please do not copy any part of this journal without written permission.