I came home to a triumphant return.  Tired from the trip, but stronger then when I left.  I picked up Zac and he said, “I did not know you could do that!”

The next few days I recuperated from the long drive and visiting with my dad and Carole and the kids.  Trying to find home after three weeks away.

The News:

We’re still waiting for the 1p deletion test.  We’ve called the last two Fridays in a row to find out the results.  Each time the person has said “It is in the computer as ‘pending,’ so it must be in process.” 

Last Tuesday, Abi called both of the labs that were supposed to be working on it and neither had the tissue sample.  So she called many others to ask what was up. Miraculously at 4:45 PM, on New Year’s Eve, a technician at one of the labs, called us and said that the tissue had arrive 10 minutes before.  We should have the results by the end of next week.

I am almost off my steroids and am continuing to adjust to that.  My walking, word choice and overall functioning continues to come back.  I have a lot of fitness to rebuild.  I plan to do some rehab when I am a little stronger and we get it setup.  When I’m tired, I get tongue-tied…so I choose another word instead….

My Journey:

I am discovering for myself what other people with illness have discovered for themselves.  For example, in one of my meditations I asked myself “What do I get from being sick?” 

And the answer came immediately, “Freedom from shoulds and have-tos.”  That scared me a little bit because it SOMEONE has to be responsible for daily things. I worried my sickness would be seen as an excuse to ‘get out of doing things.’

“Do I really have to be sick to feel freedom?”  How masochistic is that?  Then I thought about Abi’s father and how he had worked very hard all his life, and then when he got sick he had become an artist and pursued many other interests he had never pursued before.  I am sure this is a very common story and experience.

I believe there is a balance where I can be feel the freedom to choose and still be a participating member of my family, society, etc.  This is something that I am still exploring as I learn more about myself.

For the last 6 and a half years I’ve been enduring my cancer, hoping that I could come to some new “normal.” I chose to selectively hear or ‘not hear’ that it would come back again and again and not think it.  This time it’s come back aggressively and I choose not to ignore it. 

Forgiveness:

Though listening to tapes, I’ve found forgiveness is one of the keys to healing for me.  While meditating, I realized that I wanted to forgive myself for my judgment of how I have handled the past 6 and one half years.  Forgiving myself for a lot of things that I did not have control over in the first place has been very powerful.  Like getting cancer.  Like not being a better parent, etc. 

I have discovered a lot of serenity in forgiveness.  When I’m feeling mad or hurt or angry, if I can forgive the person, situation or myself I usually feel immediate relief.  It is very powerful.  A gift.

Many people have said that I should make this journal into a book.  My thoughts are that it is a work in progress and that you are my current audience. 

How else to keep myself healthy:

Carolyn Myss suggests that you use all available methods of healing.  So I am still thinking and pursuing other avenues while waiting for the verdict of which to do first, chemotherapy or radiation.  Best case scenario would be chemo with Temodar which is a pill that I would take once a day, at home, 5 days a week, for up to a year.

Another writer mentioned focusing on the basic 3-Fs: Family, Friends, and Faith.

For the New Year, I wish you all a safe, healthy, loving and spiritually rewarding year.

With love,

Dan
http://katzstein.com
http://life.katzstein.com