So now what?

I've reached a plateau. The drugs help me day-to-day. I work. I sleep. I work. I eat. I see my family for a short time. I sleep again. A few times a month I have a seizure.

Eighteen months later I haven't pasted the shock from my seizures returning. I'm waiting for this nightmare to end - for the silver bullet to make it all better so I can 'go on with my life.'

What stops me from going on now?

I'm scared.

I've had my entire paradigm shattered. As I've expressed over and over - the tumor surgery past. The seizures do/have not.

I'm cautious. I change slowly and with much consideration. I am afraid that if I change the delicate balance I have achieved and will spiral again. "If I just wait long enough" my insides quiver.

Yet - I'm feeling the need for some other way to be. Many of you have suggested resources to guide me. I was not ready. Abi is also impatient and wants to move on. She's been through this on her side - waiting for me to....I don't know.

I'm going to seek out some local resources for guidance.

Physically I am well, mentally I am better. I took a trip to NYC this winter break which I would not have considered last year. At work, I have had more energy and focus. I have made significant contributions and moved closer to one of my passions - technology.

And it is all within the protected paradigm. If I leave YSI, how will I have heath care? Who would hire me? What would I do?

Abi wants me to get a moped so that I can have a little more independence. I'm kind of excited about that idea. I'm not sure how I'll handle it - will I be too scared.

That word again - scared.

Anyway - I'm in a glum mood tonight. I had a seizure last night and I'm pretty used to them by now, but each time I have one I get kinda down about it.

I also want to say in 18 months I have made great strides. Just sitting in front of this computer to write is something I would not do 12 months ago.

Adding to my insecurity I continue to change my medicine - or dosage - every 2 months or less. Praying for that silver bullet.

That's all for now. I just wanted to check it. I hope all of you are well. Thank you for caring and thinking of me.