So now what?
I've reached a plateau. The drugs help me day-to-day. I work. I sleep. I
work. I eat. I see my family for a short time. I sleep again. A few times a month I have a
seizure.
Eighteen months later I haven't pasted the shock from my seizures
returning. I'm waiting for this nightmare to end - for the silver bullet to make it all
better so I can 'go on with my life.'
What stops me from going on now?
I'm scared.
I've had my entire paradigm shattered. As I've expressed over and over -
the tumor surgery past. The seizures do/have not.
I'm cautious. I change slowly and with much consideration. I am afraid
that if I change the delicate balance I have achieved and will spiral again. "If I
just wait long enough" my insides quiver.
Yet - I'm feeling the need for some other way to be. Many of you have
suggested resources to guide me. I was not ready. Abi is also impatient and wants to move
on. She's been through this on her side - waiting for me to....I don't know.
I'm going to seek out some local resources for guidance.
Physically I am well, mentally I am better. I took a trip to NYC this
winter break which I would not have considered last year. At work, I have had more energy
and focus. I have made significant contributions and moved closer to one of my passions -
technology.
And it is all within the protected paradigm. If I leave YSI, how will I
have heath care? Who would hire me? What would I do?
Abi wants me to get a moped so that I can have a little more
independence. I'm kind of excited about that idea. I'm not sure how I'll handle it - will
I be too scared.
That word again - scared.
Anyway - I'm in a glum mood tonight. I had a seizure last night and I'm
pretty used to them by now, but each time I have one I get kinda down about it.
I also want to say in 18 months I have made great strides. Just sitting
in front of this computer to write is something I would not do 12 months ago.
Adding to my insecurity I continue to change my medicine - or dosage -
every 2 months or less. Praying for that silver bullet.
