First the bottom line. I changed one of my medicines to a
long-acting anti-anxiety drug and I have felt much more stable
for the last three weeks. I've wanted to write more updates to
you, but I've felt too unstable. Just after writing the
September update, I had a minor seizure, so I have been a little
scared to write again.
So, this time I have written some of it out in advance so I won't
have to be in-front of the computer as long....
(As I look over this, it is more depressing then I mean it to
be. I am leaving it in it's raw form anyway.)
October was very rough. I spent most of my energy trying to feel
'safe.' Abi started a job at Battelle in Columbus and I didn't
know who would take care of me. What I if I had a seizure? What
would I do? Who would I contact? Added to this I had 3
mini-seizures in the month.
A mini-seizure looks a lot like a panic attack...my heart
pounds, my breathing is rapid and labored, and I can't control my
actions directly. If I'm standing, I circle to the left, knees
slightly bent, like a person totally disoriented.
If sitting, I stay in the chair and hold on to the arm rests.
The crazy/scary thing is I am pretty aware of what's happening
around me. I can hear, but I can't talk! I can feel what I am
doing - but I CAN'T control it!
After 30 seconds to 1 minute, it passes and I have control
again. I'm tired and a little 'defocused.'
Anyway, I spent most of October trying to avoid mini-seizures.
No movies; no dinners out. I didn't even go to the store because
I was scared the over stimulation would trigger it. I still
worked in the AM and slept in the afternoon, and did what I could
at night.
Also the computer monitor and the sound from the computer system
has become very tiring. Everyone that knows how much I love
computers can understand how difficult this is.
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So that was October. I also turned 33.
I have started to see a psychiatrist that is helping me learn
about relaxation through bio-feedback. He and my neurologist
were also the ones that changed my medicine at the end of the
month. Despite all this care, I am planning to get another
neurologist to look over my case and see if I am doing all the
'best' things.
See, here is my problem. I wrote about it last night.
I have an image of myself as a very healthy/strong/smart and
influential person. I'm physical. I love to play...with the
kids, with computers, outside...like hiking, walking, running.
My understanding of spirituality and our connectedness has
blossomed. I have a bright future in all the things I have
participated in.
And yet...I have not felt like me the last year and a half. I am
having a very hard time seeing some of these traits in me at the
moment.
I have not accepted I had cancer.
I do not accept my current medicine/seizure control level.
As with any cancer subject, I expect (or want) the blissful life
I've lived.
The "Life 101" book says guilt comes from having a mental image
of what is good and then not living up to that image.
That is my life.
I have a strong mental image of what I want my life to be. Then
there is my day-to-day living. They don't match very well.
So here's the rub.
What do I 'accept' as changed and what do I fight for to be as it
was? This is my dilemma.
Comfortable seizure control - no doubt. What about no seizures -
ever? Life without both anti-seizure and anti-anxiety drugs?
Life without fear?
The ability to drive?
What do I 'change?' What do I allow and what do I not accept?
These are my paradoxes.
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One other thought. When I do pull-ups every night, I've noticed
I can TRY REAL HARD and get them done. Or I can imagine that my
body is lifting itself up and that is a lot easier.
I told Abi I'm seeing that this applies to life in many ways.
'Couse you might have to take the drugs I'm taking to see it that
way....
I Love you all.
Thank you.