Adult Children of Alcoholics
Children in alcoholic families learn a variety of behaviors that are necessary to survive in that family. These behaviors are used so much they become automatic-instant responses without thinking or planning. In addition to learned behaviors, children in alcoholic families can develop a distorted sense of who they are and the way people interact. While functional (helpful) in the alcoholic family, these instant responses or beliefs become dysfunctional (not helpful) away from the family.Common behaviors or beliefs of Children of Alcoholics
- Trouble with feelings - Feelings can be an enemy to
many children with alcoholic parents. Expression of feeling was
met with blame, criticism or worse. The feelings were sometimes
so painful that they had to be buried deep to keep the hurt and pain
away. As adults, the same behavior continues.
- Not knowing yourself - Many people with alcoholic parents
have trouble deciding who they are and what they want. This could
be caused by growing up around anger and confusion or taking care of
family members and not taking care of yourself.
- Lies and secrets - Truth is a commodity in short supply
in alcoholic families. Surviving in an alcoholic family also meant
keeping secrets. The product of living with secrets is the fear
someone will find out, the shame of having to hide and the guilt of not
being true to yourself.
- Trust relationships and intimacy - Rejection by parents
leads many adult children to believe that they cannot be loved and that
others will treat them as their parents did. Growing up in an alcoholic
family can mean that you have no role model for expressing intimacy and
love to another adult.
- Crisis and fear - Alcoholic families exist from one crisis to the next. In between the extreme of crisis is the fear building while waiting for the next one to happen. The result can be high stress, an inability to relax, and anxiety and panic.
What it all boils down to…..
- Feelings of isolation
- Frequent feelings of anxiety and/or tension
- Trouble expressing and acknowledging feelings
- Feeling an overwhelming sense of duty and responsibility
- Feeling like you don’t know how to behave in situations
- Feeling abandoned, shameful, or guilty
- Trouble with your own use of alcohol or drugs
- Feeling out of control, you just do things and don’t know why
- Can’t have fun
Are you an adult child of an alcoholic (or other substance abuser)?
If you would like to participate in a support group or online forum with other ACOAs, contact us below.
For more information please contact us at 314-516-5380 or email Michelle Schmidt at schmidtms@umsl.edu.
Source: Bacchus and Gamma Peer Education Network www.bacchusgamma.org
