SGA appoints goose rep

For DUMSL's Canada goose population, the appointment of a Stupid Generic Acronym representative gives a new voice to a very old and very large constituency of the DUMSL community.

"This is a great move in the unification of the DUMSL campus," T. Redundant Conner said, the current SGA president. "Now, leave me alone, I'm on the fourth level of Mario and do not want to be disturbed."

Start this week, The Stagnant is offer grammer or spell course in it's office, 388 Milked Students for Cash building.

The course will be start at 9 and go to 11, will be teach by Stagnant momo-in-chief Li'l Bitch.

In the face of a student backlash following the recent decision by Charredwell's to ban credit card purchases in the Posh, Director Down Onthefarm has decided to once again change the purchasing policy.

As of April 1, the Posh will accept only platinum stone as payment for any food or beverage. Reasons for this decision have been skewed, but apparently "paper money is just so dirty; we don't know where it's been and it makes our hands smell like crap," Onthefarm said.

With a 700 percent tuition increase imminent, Financial Aid has announced a new payment plan for DUMSL students.

Starting for the Fall 2002 semester, Antony 'Juice' Georges, director of Financial Aid, will offer special loans for students in need. 'Juice' has arranged a program with his family that should entice even the richest DUMSL student.

"The Pot Collection: A Mary Wonna Exhibit," showing in Gallery 420, is getting high reviews from DUMSL students since it opened on Friday, March 29.

Gallery 420 has never showcased an exhibit quite like this. Ion Hale, curator of Gallery 420, said this exhibition is unique because visitors are encouraged to try out "The Pot Collection."

The DUMSL melodrama department kicked off their first season with a rather unusual, but not unexpected, choice giving their limited budget. They invited the El Cheapo Sock Puppet Company to present their production of "Hamlet," which resulted in poor performances, a shoddy production, and a silly take on Shakespeare's classic. While the idea may have worked on a cute level, the production definitely left something to be desired.

We've all heard the adage, "You can't judge a book by it's cover." For the most part, this is true. But not when it comes to The Riverman.

The gruff, grim frown on his unshaven mug of a face tells it all; this man's had a tough life. Every aspect of his life, from his birth (believed to be in 1965) and his parents (either former DUMSL undergraduate Bull Burnt or a consortium of DUMSL faculty and students in a committee meeting gone horribly wrong) to his current whereabouts (he hasn't been seen in public since 1972, although a photo of the man hangs in the office of student diversions) are all a quagmire of complexity.

Every Monday, a disease is spread across the DUMSL campus, as newsstands everywhere are filled with a 10-14 page mass of gibberish and rhetoric called The Current.

Students walk by the stands and are both amazed and repulsed by its contents. The brave ones (those who do not lose their lunch at its sight) are the ones that do pick up the paper, only to be horrified by its warblings.

It's strange how people just don't understand.

In my life, I am continually amazed at how judgmental my people can be.

Take a couple of weekends ago during St. Patrick Day. After maintaining my 5-hour workweek, I decided that I needed a day to relax all day long.

The week prior to Spring Break I sat in class and listened to my fellow students talk about their upcoming week of drunkenness and partying. I thought "What a waste of time when you could be doing something important?" Over my Spring Break I had big plans, plans that were productive, and beneficial to others as well as myself. I had come up with an idea. I was going to make a statue of my mom to place in our front yard at home.

In what she called "an attempt to revitalize a struggling department," DUMSL Chancellor Brand Newbill made an unprecedented and unexpected move on March 18. Newbill named former Indiana Hoosiers basketball Head Coach Bobby Knight as Rivermen head coach and athletic director. The move came with protest, as picketers stood outside the Mark Twain Recreation Center, which houses the athletic department headquarters.

Despite the protests, Newbill feels that the move will be the first of many that will attract more students and visitors to the campus.

It was an event that few who witnessed it will ever forget, and since its occurrence, DUMSL will never be the same. On March 24, four men bent on destruction hobbled onto campus. They didn't see it that way at all; probably because of their failing eyesight. In their wake, they left a goose severely de-feathered, countless divot holes, broken glass, dented cars and thousands of DUMSL students doubting the sanity of these reckless, senile old men.

It all started at 9 a.m. when Winthrop J. Twinklesman, Max Schmelnick, Vernon McCallister III and Joe Crudlesbury escaped from a maximum-security nursing home in Chesterfield. Their weapons of choice: old golf clubs.

With the DUMSL baseball team's recent success, a defeat over the Missouri School for the Blind, DUMSL athletic director Pet Dueling has increased the team's purchasing budget by 300 percent.

"After that win, one of the pitchers from the other team left his wallet," Deuling said. "DUMSL follows the traditional 'Finders, Keepers' rule-a rule recently passed by the No Career Advancement Assistance at their last budget meeting-so we deposited the money into my account."

DUMSL puts out a controversial new cheerleading requirement.

Effective immediately, the DUMSL athletic department has set up a requirement stating that all cheerleaders have to be female. This announcement comes as no surprise to a rather unattractive and manlike DUMSL cheerleader Nicolletta Bowoman, who feels the new requirement has been sorely needed.

War has been declared, and the City of St. Louis is right in the middle of it. Should there be a new ballpark built for the St. Louis Cardinals and should it be funded by the city and the state of Missouri? These are questions that have been asked of and answered by government officials, athletes, coaches and everyday citizens on the state and local level. And, the answer to the aforementioned questions that comes up too many times is "no." Though plans for funding and construction of a new ballpark are nearly worked out and closer to being approved, the answer "no" is still unacceptable and contributes to a losing cause. And, if these nay-sayers have their way, the Cardinals might end up in Illinois-the state with officials who said they would approve funding and construction plans.

Teen pop, such as the like that is crafted by avant-garde icons N-Sync and Britney Spears, is the new great American art form. Following the venerable tradition of jazz, American music has once again produced a movement so immense in intellectual scope and so profound in beauty, that the world is forever changed. Teen-pop offers such a rich treasure cove of cultural movement and artistic expression, that the populace has fallen helpless under its sway. Legions of fans have found a new drug, a new religion, as well as a new hairstyle.

Following a tip from a now former friend, I decided to try The Posh at DUMSL. I had heard of its great food and prompt service. It was supposed to be a five-star restaurant for the upper echelon of the typically well-off DUMSL students.

However, I was sorely disappointed.

Lashing out after years of obscurity, supporters of the Flat Earth Coalition staged a protest outside the Physics Department last Monday, March 25. Waving signs that read "There Is No Gravity-The Earth Sucks," the group was demanding equal time for the teaching of their alternative to the Theory of Gravity in the University's physics classes.

"Every scientist knows there are more flaws in the Theory of Gravity than in the Theory of Evolution, yet the Creativitists get all the attention,i asserted spokesperson Mandy Grouchy. "We demand that the Physics Department offer students our "Intelligent Vacuum" Theory, along with the Theory of

Being a longtime fan of opera and new to the St. Louis area, I was eager to find out what the local opera season would offer. Of course, I headed downtown to Kiel Opera House on the first Saturday night I could, without even checking to see which opera they would be performing that night.

DUMSL students were included in the results of a recent study published in the "Journal of Specious Research" reporting that excessive learning may in fact be detrimental to our ability to think.

Researchers interviewed hundreds of students and faculty from different universities, subjecting participants to a rigorous series of surveys and psychological testing. Their startling findings have profound consequences for all college students.

A record-breaking crowd of 194 people turned out for the softball game last Thursday and during an excited cheer, the bleachers collapsed injuring about 70.

The Lady Paddle boaters were up two points in the 5th inning when the interruption occurred.

It seems that the boys over at Planked Road Brewery are at it again, this time with a new 140 -proof alcoholic beverage that is sure bring life to any party.

For many, Planked Road is famous for is cheap and very potent Asshous Brew. Asshous can be found in most any Midwest liquor store in 18- or 30- packs, and is usually the choice of the poor college student who simple can't afford a Bud. Asshous can also be found flowing freely in the water pipes of the Sigma Pie house.

It is a little known fact that most newspaper movie critics are former sports writers. Yes, Roger Ebert and Joe Pollack were once sports writers!

At the most recent UM System Bored Curators meeting, held last week in the Milk Students for Cash building at DUMSL, one of the 742 items on the budget, an increase in student fees system-wide, passed after about 12 seconds of discussion.

Tom Stealfromthekids, the chair of the Bored Curators, cited a "complete lack of compassion and an empty stomach" for the swift legislation, the quickest in Bored history.

According to a vision by DUMSL New Man House Dad Bull Kent, UM System president Manual Checko may actually be the Dark Prince of the Dead.

"Checko came on campus last week to announce the 700 percent tuition increases, and my office suddenly turned cold," said Kent. "The waters ran red with blood, and many of my peers began to weep."

A few months back, Chancellor Brand Newbill announced the formation of a new school at DUMSL, the College of Fine Arts and Communicatin'. Newbill cited "an overwhelming number of students who just don't care about real things anymore" as the moving factor in the formation of the new school, which looks to have about 15,000 DUMSL students, or about 90 percent of the student body, enrolled in it.

In an effort to increase membership, fraternities have a long history of flyering and singing the DUMSL campus. However, for Sigma Tau Gorilla, paper and paint just aren't enough, and, according to president Colin Dumbasa Post, "we've got a way to use natural resources to get the most attention."

This new advertisement, which Post, along with his brothers helped invent, involved the frat boy's favorites: 21 beers, pants with a zipper, and a full bladder.

Since 1963, DUMSL has enjoyed a rich and vibrant Greek system, with Sigma Pie, Pretty Kitty Airhead and Sigma Tau Gorilla frats having been established on Supernatural Bridge Road for over 30 years.

However, if Capulet Montague, director of DUMSL student diversions, and Unruly Meadows Director Pimp John get their way, a new house of men may charter here.

Beyond Pothole Road on Supernatural Ridge, three new clubs opened with the intent to draw DUMSL students away from their studies and into a more fun and relaxed atmosphere off campus. These clubs provide nice inexpensive havens for students and help them avoid the rest of the Mini-County area.

The first "Agoro-Mania," located near the Retrobrink station makes a delightful hideaway for those who are painfully shy. The $10 cover charge is fairly reasonable and the atmosphere is relaxed and formal. Food is delivered with promptness and speed as soon as the client arrives to avoid personal interaction between the waiter and the guest.