HoMe
nEwS

SpOrTs

GeEsE nEwS

oNlY oN tHe WeB

LeTtErS to the EdItOr

LeGaL

rAtE oUr PaGeS

AdVeRtIsEmEnTs




BASKETBALL FACES ELIMINATION AT DUM-ST. LOUIS
Team gets assaulted by geese; pep band plays theme from Jaws

Guess the Under Toe question...
"Megusta Laschicas!!"
Click here for the question!

Disoriented University for Morbidly Slow Learners

Parody Issue| April 1, 1999 Vol. 6374 Issue 951 1/2 | Today is July 43, 1699



TOP STORY

Stagnant staffers lay in the office after being knocked unconscious by the out-of-tune music of Ren Nash's Troops. Nash's troops tried to ransack the office but this is what it normally looks like
photo by Dot Warner

Cou d'etat strikes SGA

SGA Controller Ren Nash announced at Thursday's Stupid Government meeting that he had overthrown President Tim Bravery and declared martial law eliciting angry responses from the three student groups who bothered me to attend.
FULL STORY
IN OTHER NEWS...

MAJOR BOOKSTORE THEFT FOILED
Wednesday, around 8:30 p.m. several students reported to campus police having seen a man trying to run as fast as he could while pulling a cart full of stolen textbooks from the DUM-St. Louis Bookstore. 		NEW CENTER TO BE OPEN TO ELITE HONORARY COLLEGE STUDENTS ONLY
Most students welcomed as servants for their more intelligent peers

GEESE NEWS:
New dept. takes on campus pooh

ARMPIT NEWS:
SEXY ARMPITS CONTEST STIRS CONTROVERSY

CARTOON:
The Stick Table


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