A stroll through the night life
by David Baugher
I am a night person. I used to be ashamed to admit this. People look at you strangely when you admit to a nocturnal existence. You must be a cop or a criminal or something. Immediately you fall into a stereotype. Lazy, weird, vaguely unwholesome. No one likes night people.
Night people are regularly discriminated against in everyday life. Everything runs on morning people's schedules. Who invented the Egg McMuffin? Bankers' hours? Mindless sayings like "The early bird always gets the worm?" Some morning person, no doubt. Morning people are clearly evil. They are always abnormally happy, up cheerfully at the crack of dawn, full of energy, ready to face the world with a terribly unnatural enthusiasm. Anyone who has taken a 7 a.m. final can recognize these people. See the smiling, eager, Stepford clone in the front row, whistling a peppy tune as he merrily fills in ovals with a precisely sharpened No. 2 pencil, while everyone else sits there in a bleary, semiconscious state in desperate need of an intravenous coffee drip, ransacking their bookbags for a writing utensil and unfurling wadded notes.
This just isn't normal. No one not on a controlled substance should be that thrilled to be alive when the alarm goes off.
The fact of the matter is that scientific studies prove night people are the normal ones. The human body runs on a natural 25-hour a day clock. That means it's perfectly okay to go to sleep and get up later. "Early to bed, early to rise" is really just a myth, yet another disturbing piece of the morning people's diabolical propaganda campaign to convert everyone to their odd schedule. Night people unite. We are the true silent majority.
Don't misunderstand, I don't begrudge morning folk their right to exist. All I want is equality for those of us tuned to the p.m. side of the clock. Classes at 10 p.m. and 10 a.m. McDonald's that are open until two in the morning. Gas stations where I don't have to prepay after dark. Are these things too much to ask?
So, morning people, next time you see that poor soul in a nearby desk yawning or catching a short nap, remember it's not his fault the world doesn't function on his time. Be nice to him, let him sleep, lend him your notes. Just show a little consideration for those of us who like to see the sunrise at the end of their day.
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